I have a couple blogs in draft still. Its hard to finish them. Hard to talk about things, scarey to think someone might read these who knows me, who will think differently of me.

I'm pretty much all better from being sick. going back to the gym today. I need to get into shape.

I want to get away.
I want to see the midnight sun, the northern lights. I'm thinking of going north. Maybe we can honeymoon there. I don't know.

I need to talk to someone. but I don't even know where to begin.

I did some art that doesn't suck so far, though it's such a bland concept.

We might get a dog. I'd like that. we're going to the movies tonight. We will see how it goes.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. >.<

I've been struggling to get to my schoolwork. But I'll get it done, I want to do well.

Wow, its been like a week. o.o

I haven't dropped yet another thing. I am still here. I've had a very busy week. Father's day morning, Larry proposed to me again. I was laying there naked. He proposes in awkward ways, lol. I didn't answer til monday, but we knew I would. We stayed up til nearly 8am sunday night at a friends, it was nice. we played some board games, and had a lot of fun.

My friend let me borrow $200 bucks, which really helped me out. He doesn't expect me to pay him back, but I can't let a debt go unpaid.

Paid for 2 classes wednesday, that's all I can afford to take.

I've been sick a couple days, I feel awful. I still managed some housework and cooking, though today was just leftovers. Tomorrow I'm experimenting with chicken paremesan. maybe some noodles with it.

I feel like shit for not going to the gym since weds morning. But I'm so sick. I just want to be pretty when we get married. I don't want to wait until June, either. It'll probably be March, maybe even a winter wedding, in february. The sooner I get taxes back XD

I'm just waiting for the depression. Something is going to screw this up. I know it.

I have a headache. I have to go. I'll write more, later.

Semidrama.

I'm starting this on thursday, but I know I wont finish it until tomorrow. besides, 3 blogs in one day, might be a bit much x.x

So I'm friends with an ex I dated 3 yrs ago. He broke up with his girl a month or so ago. we keep making plans to grab coffee but I keep flaking because of stuff coming up [picking up the boyfriend, driving someone to work, etc]

So the other day we are talking [about him getting a GED] and out of nowhere, really he says:
On another note I miss you.

Well, we haven't talked in a week or so, so I take this semicasually.
I miss ya too, we haven't hung out in ages.
then a second msg,
Maybe I should help you study for the GED

Him:
That would be helpful
and a second msg from him:
I wish shit would have worked out between us.

Me:
Yeah, but I'm a horrid girlfriend so it's probably best it didn't.

Him:
Youre so easy to talk to and beautiful.

Me:
I'm not beautiful, I'm fat. x.x I can't argue that I'm easy to talk to.

short story: we go back and forth about how apparently wonderful I am, how he doesnt think I get told it enough, how I think he's just messed up over his last gf, he doesn't think so, etcetcetc.

WTF?

I can't lie, I did smile, enjoy it. It felt nice, him saying those things. I didn't force the subject to change like I should have. I didn't exactly encourage it either. but I didn't discourage it either.

The discussion turned to me saying I'm the reason we broke up, being borderline and unable to control myself. He said it was a choice of mine, so I sent a few links to educate him.

Later that night I sent him a txt,
Did you read those links? I hope ya did <3
I meant like, I'd love it if he did, but it wasn't very specific to that. He said he'd read them when he got home from work. o.O


I... don't know. I haven't talked to him in a day or 2.
It's not like I love him, My emotions aren't involved really at all. but I kinda like knowing that someone regrets not being with me.

I'll write later, I think I should introduce some backstory. o.O

frustration.

So, for the past couple hours I was feeling ok. talked to my best friend, that's always nice even if the boyfriend hates him >.<

Then I pick up the boyfriend from work. He didn't even notice I chopped a good 1.5inches off my bangs. x.x then I had to change the song quickly, "You wanna get married, run away..." stupid goo goo dolls. that upset me a little, even that stupid whore is getting married. Other BPs get married, their husbands love them enough. but the boyfriend obviously doesnt. needless to say it hurts. constantly. he could marry that horrid woman, but not me. I'd like to think I'm not as bad as her. but maybe I'm worse, and just blind to it. fuck me, I'm hopeless. If he's not going to marry me I don't want to stick around, to hurt more and more. I know that sounds stupid, considering he's put up with me for 2 years. And i know "marriage isn't any different" blah blah blah. That's bullshit. Marriage would mean he at least cared enough to stick around. instead of having a "get out of crazytown without paying for a divorce" card.
Back to my point, I went off on him because of this. I just wanna punch him sometimes. Maybe we just aren't meant.

Someone stab me in the face please.

the ego and the id.

So, I'm not a huge freudian fan. but there is this concept in particular that seems to fit, ish.

the ego and the id. the superego as well, but that doesn't relate as well.

I feel like as a person, I'm missing my superego. the voice that tells you that you should think it through before you do it, the compromise in my head. maybe that's just a part of borderline, the impulsiveness. it makes sense, right?

I feel like I'm almost 2 people [not DID or anything, let me explain]
I know that I am one person. I know this. but at times it feels like there's 2 aspects to me. sensible, responsible does what is right what needs to be done thinks before she acts L. and then there's the wild crazy doesn't care about the consequences does what happens to sound good at the moment, D.

Needless to say, D wins almost everytime. L hasn't had much of a voice in years, aside from staying with the boyfriend, who I love dearly, overcoming that cut and run mentality so far; getting a GED and starting college [Even if D has screwed it up a few times, ditching class, not studying for stupid reasons etc.]

I don't know if this makes sense to any other BPs out there, but it does to me. Maybe I place to much in the separating the two aspects of me. but don't you feel this way sometimes, too?

Good days are always cloudy.

Today/yesterday has been pretty good. but as always there's plenty of darkness. Though I've been able to keep it at bay.

I lost nearly 4lbs in less than a week so far. Thats good, right? I can't live with myself the way I am. I have to change it. I want to be pretty, like people tell me I am. I want to see it, with saying to myself "if you were skinny, if you didn't have such fat legs, fat hips, fatfatfat." That's the worse part I see of myself physically.

My mom tweezed my eyebrows for me today. We may not get along super well, I'm definitely not the favorite. but my eyebrows aren't beastly like before =P

I'm going to the gym soon. so I'm cutting this short.
I'll write about the ego and the id, and ex semidrama later. =P

I'm not quite sure.

So someone got all pissy with me today as we were talking about fafsa. I tried to explain that his debt is NOT the reason he was denied, but because when he applied he was considered a dependent by the govt. He yells at me and hangs up. whatever. he's a perverted piece of shit anyway, I ignore it but maybe I shouldn't have.

Anywho::::

I've been going to the gym the past few days [since last weds, so almost a week.] I weighed myself on sunday, and I've lost 1.5lbs. I know that sounds like nothing, but it's a start.

What's more important on an excersize bike? the mph or the time spent? my friend did 50 mins [at about 7-8mph, starting at 1 resistance and getting up to 7 resistance [still in the 7mph area]
I did 30mins on the bike, going from 4-6 resistance, [upping every 10 mins] at about 12-13mph for the first 20mins, then 13-14mph for the last 10. She's lost more weight than I have and only been to the gym 1 extra day.but she's also been taking a multivitamin, and both fish and flaxseed oil. plus she's heavier than I am [by about 100lbs]

I don't hurt like I was when I started at the gym. [except for my ass, the bike seat is NOT comfy x.x ] which is a good sign. I'm sore, but I'm not like I have to go home and do nothing all night cause I feel like death lol

My next goal is the elliptical/stairmaster thingy. I don't have the rhythm for it yet, but another week or so I should be able to start using it.

I've been less depressed. but still sometimes I get really bad...

I'll write again later. sometime. maybe.

You're fearfully and wonderfully made ♥

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

I've felt like this a lot. Constantly only seeing what I do wrong, where I'm lacking. Sometimes I find it impossible to see anything good about myself. But that's not all the time. I'm a much better parent than my mother ever was, I'm a good friend, almost always there for people, helpful, kind, caring, sweet [at times], and not unattractive, even being a larger sized woman.

You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything

This evening was lovely. We played with the little one, he had a lot of fun stacking and smashing down blocks ♥ After he went to bed, I sat and relaxed with the boyfriend. Then I went to the gym with my mom, sister and aunt. I did 22 minutes of cardio on the bike, then 5 mins of cooldown on the treadmill. After that I did 75 reps on the ab/situp/ish machine, 20 reps on 2 different arm machines, and 25 leg presses.

All in all, I feel pretty good. the excersizing made me feel pretty nice. sore, but nice. I was smiling incessantly while singing this song on the short drive home.

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else

I feel this way a lot, but listening to skillet [imperfection, if anyone is interested in finding the song] made me feel really good about myself. I may not be exactly what I want, but I'm working on it. all of it, not just the physical, but the mental/emotional as well.


Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

I'm working on it, darling. I love you. ♥ ♥ and to my friends, I am truly grateful for most of you. You love me in spite of myself =P

You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

I search for the one who bleeds like me

God I love trapt. but this song got me thinking today.

I search for the one who bleeds like me

I love this concept. but it's such bullshit. I do NOT want someone who is borderline, who is as crazy and fucked up and broken as me. because I have nothing to offer, so neither would they. All I do right is be a parent. and sometimes I worry I can't even do that. My best friend is pretty fucked up. but I would never want to be with him BECAUSE of that. I love him to death, but I would never want a relationship with him.

Is it really that important that I settle down
Does it really even matter that I have my doubts

This is the feeling I get everytime I get that "run" urge. which, sitting here next to him, I want to just tell him it's over. I can't do it anymore. I'm not happy.
but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to protect myself, I guess. and I am happy, at times. this is just not one of those moments. I have to cook dinner still, and go to the gym [I owe myself a stab in the face, but I'll write a rain check] and I've only had like, 1200-1300 calories today [counting dinner preemptively.] Making grilled chicken, steamed veggies and mac and cheese. o.O


I forget to dream in color
I am better off alone

I feel very lonely. I'm not even writing this to anyone. because no one cares. not in real life, and not on the fucking web. It's depressing. and most of my real life friends have no idea how effed up I am. >.< nor do I really want them to. because they couldnt handle it. and then I'd be alone. But I need to cook dinner and get ready to go to the gym. I'll write more later. btw, Psych of Personality exam today, pretty sure I got a B. now to prepare to be swamped with 5 frickin classes in Summer Quarter. lol

My addictions have no boundaries
Now I'm crying out for more

Manipulation?

I'm pretty good at reading people. I know what responses with bring us closer, what will push us farther apart. I know how to get someone to open up, I know how to make them withdraw from me.

Is that manipulation? Is that wrong? Or is hypersensitivity a good thing, a way to make me feel like I can still connect to people?

I've been feeling very alone and distant.

We had sex last night, and I got into it [for the first time in ages]. But today he's been mean to me. My son has been fussing and I feel like I'm going to 'splode. What do nons do when they feel all rage-y? I'm just trying not to take it out on him again. there's only so much someone can take before they're done. And this rage-y feeling happens too often, and then comes the depression. I hope I feel better later

Fail.

So today I decided, I'll go to the gym. figured I'd get Avery woken up, fed, and then we'd get showered and go. It's now 7:30. I was planning on leaving at 7, since the daycare is only until 8pm. fucking FAIL. I am now sitting here, rewatching season 1 of Weeds. I should at least do some housework. I just feel so fucking useless. I WILL go to the gym tomorrow before my psych final at 1230. Or I'll stab myself in the face.

I also had a weird dream last night, involving rape and pudding. I have no FUCKING idea x.x

I gotta try to get motivated into cleaning.

Do all borderlines have such troubles letting go when it comes to losing a loved one? 4 years and I still break down and cry for him. but sometimes... I wonder if I'm crying for him as much as I'm already breaking down, and then I think of him... Regardless... I miss him, I want him to be proud of me... but the truth is, he'd probably hate who I really am. and cue the tears.

Later...

today, pt 2

so I'm planning a semi-large event. It's a party, at a local hotspot. I sent the invitations out via facebook. Almost immediately [within a day] a "friend" declined. no apology, nothing. this from the friend who only seems to talk to me as a last resort.

I know, I know, you're thinking it's just paranoia. But it's not. This person is only my friend because of a mutual acquaintance. And they complain, and they whine, and I get so sick of it. but I put up with it, and I sympathize. Because I'm a good friend. something some of my friends should remember. There are other friends, friends that are much better than I deserve.
but it's difficult to maintain a bond, a relationship with some of my friends, because there is little human contact. Most of it is txt/facebook/etc. So I either play my friends up to to be much much better than they are [not to say they arent great, but I ignore any flaws] or I judge, put down, dwell on all the things they don't do for me.

Ugh. life sucks.

On the positive side, tonight is leftovers. maybe I'll make some mashed potatoes, but nothing else. Which only leaves me the crippling amount of housework that I'm severely backed up on. Because I'm lazy, and useless, and Mary Louise Parker is just too goddamn intriguing.

Now I get to despond over not being married, not having a dog, or money, or a job, or the feeling of being loved or needed.

Today started pretty nice. but now... notsomuch. We'll see how things are when he gets home.

Yesterday/Today

Yesterday was pretty nice. but weird at the same time.

So I made pot roast for dinner... He got home from work, with orchids. "what are these for?"

"cause I'm a douche"

I ♥ that man.

Avery napped without a sippy, yesterday and today. pretty soon he'll go to bed without a sippy. Had a good morning with the boyfriend.

Last night, smoked with my sister, that stuff was WAY stronger than I was expecting. x.x I was shaking on the way home. then I started my period, lovely. and then I passed out for 9 blissful hours of no waking up with nightmares.

Today was pretty nice, sofar. I'll write more later.

Last night.

So after the fight, we both cooled off. him quicker than I, but it's easier to calm down for normal people when they realize it's their fault.

So we stay up, watching TV and the like til about 3-330. then we go to bed.
As we're laying in bed I turn it into a discusson that lasts til about 6am.
We covered a wide range of things, from why he can't commit to me, how he never communicates verbally, how I feel, etc. though my memory is a bit foggy, it seems like we talked mainly about things I wanted to discuss, which meant me [and my BPD] weren't mentioned somuch.

He hates how I compare myself to his exwife, because he cant stand her. She didn't want to have a 'bastard' child, so they got married. I never got that. I didn't want MY child to be a bastard either. it just isn't how I was raised. but nope, he doesn't love me enough. those are my feelings on it. He says its because he was a different person then. But I think he just doesn't want to be married. period.

He can't commit to me because he thinks it will lead to divorce. WTF. he says that marriage doesnt change things, that we should already BE that committed. He decided to tell me how little he cares for marriage, how little meaning it has for him. That made me sick, the way he was talking about it. He says he feels like we're already married. Though, I tried to explain to him. he has NO commitment shown toward me. We arent even engaged, because every time I said anything to do with marriage it got me yelled at.

I cheated on him last year. we broke up for a short time before we got back together. He says he trusts me now more than he's ever trusted me. even before I did what I did. but yet, he can't marry me. he knows I'd leave him before I'd do anything like that again.

I UNDERSTAND it's my fault, I screwed it up. ME. HOWEVER, I don't think I should wait around in limbo forever awaiting his commitment. Sometimes I feel like he would be better off if I left. He thinks I will leave, and thats part of his hesitation. But I know that it's really because he wants the easy way out, the cheaper way, when he decides to leave. that's not entirely how I feel, but that is an overwhelming sensation >.<

back to my point, we had a deep discussion, almost no raised voices, and it was a mixed blessing. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it... later, boys and girls

Fight. [fuck]

So today was a pretty good day. was being the operative term here.

Boyfriend mowed the lawn [front and back, the back yard is a bit big] So afterward, we're sitting in the living room talking about the backyard. He had previously wanted a wooden pirate ship for the backyard, a playplace for the boys. So I mentioned that, which he just says [a little sulkily] that the place doesnt have it anymore.

I told him "they make them there, I'm sure they'd make another one. not this summer or next, but the one after we can get it"

So then we're talking about this patch in the back left of the yard. they aren't weeds, like he says, but a leafy ground cover that was put there because of the tree roots in that area. He gets mad as I try to explain this. Offhandedly I mention I wish the 2 decrepit apts next to use would get torn down, then maybe we could buy the property or something, I think we could get a mortgage for it. he gets very upset, interrupting me,

him: "no, we cant. my credit is shit"
me: "did I say today, tomorrow, even 2 years from now? I mean like 5-10 yrs from now." [I say this calmly]
him [yelling]: How could we afford it? I'll still be in school!
me: I'll be done with school though, we could use my credit, it's better than yours anyway
him: with your masters degree? no you wont
[I'm already a year into school]
me: "Im halfway to my associates, if i choose to get it. then I'll get my bachelors 2 yrs later. one year after Ill have my masters. whats that? 2014. so theres an extra year there, before we hit the 5-10 yr mark.

we start arguing, because this all started over me mentioning something related to the house. he likes talking about fixing up the house all the time. his plans can be somewhat grandiose at times, but I put up with it. but as soon as i mention something, he attacks me.

the argument is a bit of a blur, but my voice is hoarse and we argued in front of our child. which KILLS me. luckily he thought we were playing or something, he laughed.
snippets:
him: [arguing] STOP [arguing] STOP [to keep me from interrupting I suppose]
me: you sound like a telegraph, bitchbitchbitch stop. [I couldnt help it, I laughed at him x.x]
him: I'm sick of this shit
me: I'm sick of YOU!

Now I'm furious, chainsmoking, with a headache and I just want to take the car and GO. anywhere, as long as its away from him.

He doesn't care. And I'm sick of him pretending like he does. I'm sick of playing housewife when I am only a girlfriend. He can marry someone he didn't truly love because she nagged him into it. but he cant marry me even when he says he loves me? LYING DICK.

I won't wait forever. this is why I called off the engagement, because I couldnt even MENTION the word wedding. if we aren't moving forward there is no point to me being here. He loves me enough to FUCK me. and for me to be the mother of our CHILD. but he doesn't want me to be his WIFE.

I'll be back when I cool off...

No one knows, but everyone knows.

I am a 21 yr old borderline, mother to a 2 yr old, college student, former glorified girlfriend, unemployed, future librarian and/or psychology adjuct teacher. Nobody who matters professionally knows I'm borderline. I haven't kept it as much a secret from my friends, but they don't know [or care to know] the extent to which it controls me at times.

I have not sought professional help, nor do I think I will... I know I need it, but I don't even know how I would begin to try...

thats all for now.