This is a short post. but only because I'm exhausted, I'm not off to do anything dumb.
So driving home tonight, I was going down a road that reminded me of the one from the accident. it was eerily similar. And I couldn't help but think of making a sharp, deliberate turn, rolling in the car over and over... It would have been so easy. Die in an accident...
Then, as I took my sister her stupid dessert because she has a psycho ex, my mom decided she needed a treat [but I didn't get shit for my birthday? THAT'S totally fair.] I drop it off, and my mom all but says to gtfo. lovely right?
So I felt awful tonight, for hours. and the one person I think could have made me feel better doesn't seem to care when he doesn't need something. I'm just idealizing him though. It's funny, he used to hate how I idealized O, but yet here I am putting him back on a pedestal. fuck me.
Music seemed to simultaneously bring me up and down. It felt better, but at the same time, I'm reminded how alone I am in my interests.
On a decent note though, I'm going to bed. mixed feelings but not as dark as driving home...
goodnight all.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Oh and...
I have not been neglecting this because I've lost interest. The friend who's been staying with us has been leeching my computer all day to talk on furry/rp chats. lovely, right? >.<
Catching up on blogs in the morning, ♥ you guys =]
That is all.
Catching up on blogs in the morning, ♥ you guys =]
That is all.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Rawr.
so. working now. that's always fun. too bad I have to work 2 jobs. because someone has wage garnishments and I will bring in more money. applied for a credit card, only a 300$ limit but my credit will benefit from it. I'm rocking back and forth writing this, cause I'm tired lol.
I've been talking to a friend lately. it's very nice and infuriating at the same time. on the plus side, he's almost as screwed up as I am. and he is unlikely to be swayed by my charisma. o.O Though it would probably be easy to get him to forget his morals. I don't want to be that kind of person. >.>
The one who shattered me has been on my mind lately. he got in a fight with his wife, hxc shit all over the web [retaliation for her constant posting every tiny negative thing] He even said he regretted marrying her. I never was 100% sure they'd last but I thought theyd have a few more years than this. they've only been married like 6 months >.> but he called me out in a blog. I screen shot it, which is weird but oh well. he just mentioned how he spoils her crazy and she's barely got him anything [3 things, one being broken and another being his wedding ring] in 2 years.
"Even my ex who I'm still friends with, dee, got me this and this and this. it's not hard to get inexpensive things off ebay or something"
My heart pittered a little. I don't love him anymore. really. But he was the world to me for a while, and I barely mattered to him at all. I just want him to wonder, to miss me, to think that he let a catch slip by. Is that stupid? >.>
But they made up, which is great. he even changed his relationship status to 'single' beforehand. It was pretty fucking bad. But I'm glad they made up.
God. I am not having a good week.
On the plus side. Brand New's The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me has got to be the best album I've heard in ages, I am becoming re-addicted to it. Degausser, Jesus Christ, Untitled, Handcuffs. Just a few of the tracks I can't get out of my head.
In other tunes, I've been listening to a lot A7X lately. Beast and the Harlot won't get outta my head, lol. Though I'm pretty sure 1/2 the lyric sites are wrong "She's a dwelling place for demons, she's a cage for every unclean spirit, every filthy burden" that's what I think it is, I keep seeing "bird" some people are retarded >.>
I miss when life was easy. I miss being alone sometimes. I'm never alone anymore. I love my family, I can tolerate my friend, but I need some goddamn alone time. grrr. I'm going to go insane without it.
Maybe I can get a friend to go out for drinks. that would be alright, I think. drinking alone is depressing.
I've been talking to a friend lately. it's very nice and infuriating at the same time. on the plus side, he's almost as screwed up as I am. and he is unlikely to be swayed by my charisma. o.O Though it would probably be easy to get him to forget his morals. I don't want to be that kind of person. >.>
The one who shattered me has been on my mind lately. he got in a fight with his wife, hxc shit all over the web [retaliation for her constant posting every tiny negative thing] He even said he regretted marrying her. I never was 100% sure they'd last but I thought theyd have a few more years than this. they've only been married like 6 months >.> but he called me out in a blog. I screen shot it, which is weird but oh well. he just mentioned how he spoils her crazy and she's barely got him anything [3 things, one being broken and another being his wedding ring] in 2 years.
"Even my ex who I'm still friends with, dee, got me this and this and this. it's not hard to get inexpensive things off ebay or something"
My heart pittered a little. I don't love him anymore. really. But he was the world to me for a while, and I barely mattered to him at all. I just want him to wonder, to miss me, to think that he let a catch slip by. Is that stupid? >.>
But they made up, which is great. he even changed his relationship status to 'single' beforehand. It was pretty fucking bad. But I'm glad they made up.
God. I am not having a good week.
On the plus side. Brand New's The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me has got to be the best album I've heard in ages, I am becoming re-addicted to it. Degausser, Jesus Christ, Untitled, Handcuffs. Just a few of the tracks I can't get out of my head.
In other tunes, I've been listening to a lot A7X lately. Beast and the Harlot won't get outta my head, lol. Though I'm pretty sure 1/2 the lyric sites are wrong "She's a dwelling place for demons, she's a cage for every unclean spirit, every filthy burden" that's what I think it is, I keep seeing "bird" some people are retarded >.>
I miss when life was easy. I miss being alone sometimes. I'm never alone anymore. I love my family, I can tolerate my friend, but I need some goddamn alone time. grrr. I'm going to go insane without it.
Maybe I can get a friend to go out for drinks. that would be alright, I think. drinking alone is depressing.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I can has alcohol?
The kiddo is in bed, food is being made, and fiance will be home in an hour. however, I haven't done nearly enough housework, and my friend who has been staying for a few days is not even close to pulling his weight. he needs to go do the damn dishes, lol.
but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.
Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"
I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.
I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?
But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.
You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.
But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.
Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.
But anywho.
My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.
I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:
We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.
Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.
I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥
but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.
Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"
I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.
I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?
But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.
You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.
But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.
Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.
But anywho.
My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.
I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:
We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.
Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.
I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥
Friday, August 6, 2010
rage-y. and irrationally so.
I can't help it. I'm so pissed. I never get what I want. why even try? Why even let me care about anything? So I can be crushed? Dissociation setting in, luckily or else I'd say things to him I may regret. I'll post more later.
Monday, August 2, 2010
tomorrow is never that far away...
yesterday wasn't really great. but it wasn't bad either. honestly, aside from homework it was pretty blah.
Today, however, is shaping up to be a good day.
I woke up at 9:30 with my son. How lucky am I that my kid sleeps til 9:30?
Made the kiddo a breakfast, watched some Roseanne, scheduled my classes for next quarter, ate a fiber plus bar, facebooked, decided on dinner plans, and did a little cleaning. The fiance woke up about 12, we sat outside a few minutes and I swept up the porch. I really need to finish getting the house painted. oh well, it'll get done soon enough. I'm in a pretty good mood. I haven't woke up this early in a week, cause I haven't been able to sleep until 6, 7, sometimes 9 in the morning. >.< I'm fighting back some self-image issues, but I will NOT let them screw up today. Dammit, I deserve a day of happy.
Gonna bust out the indoor grill thingy tonight, see how that works out.
Watching Hoarders: Buried Alive. I have a tendency to hoard, a lot of it clothing, but nothing like that. but I've moved so much, lost so many things dear to me, including the best self portrait [and oil pastel] that I have ever done. When I first moved here, all I could bring from my old home was what I could fit into 1/2 a laundry basket. Which is probably why I have a tendency to not let things go.
I hoard people too. I know that sounds strange, but let me explain. I practically refuse to let people out of my life. I don't let people go. exes, former friends, I keep them in my life in some way. I don't want anyone to leave me, even after I leave them. o.O
I'll post more later.
How is everyone today? good, bad, or blah day so far?
Today, however, is shaping up to be a good day.
I woke up at 9:30 with my son. How lucky am I that my kid sleeps til 9:30?
Made the kiddo a breakfast, watched some Roseanne, scheduled my classes for next quarter, ate a fiber plus bar, facebooked, decided on dinner plans, and did a little cleaning. The fiance woke up about 12, we sat outside a few minutes and I swept up the porch. I really need to finish getting the house painted. oh well, it'll get done soon enough. I'm in a pretty good mood. I haven't woke up this early in a week, cause I haven't been able to sleep until 6, 7, sometimes 9 in the morning. >.< I'm fighting back some self-image issues, but I will NOT let them screw up today. Dammit, I deserve a day of happy.
Gonna bust out the indoor grill thingy tonight, see how that works out.
Watching Hoarders: Buried Alive. I have a tendency to hoard, a lot of it clothing, but nothing like that. but I've moved so much, lost so many things dear to me, including the best self portrait [and oil pastel] that I have ever done. When I first moved here, all I could bring from my old home was what I could fit into 1/2 a laundry basket. Which is probably why I have a tendency to not let things go.
I hoard people too. I know that sounds strange, but let me explain. I practically refuse to let people out of my life. I don't let people go. exes, former friends, I keep them in my life in some way. I don't want anyone to leave me, even after I leave them. o.O
I'll post more later.
How is everyone today? good, bad, or blah day so far?
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I wake up and find myself unstable ♥
How can something so beautiful
Shine on something so dreadful
Realized this too late...
[Pulse Ultra, Despot]
I've been neglectful of this page. though, part of that is because ATT sucks and screwed up my internet, leaving me with only my phone for a week, and blogger + iphone =fail. So I'm back now though.
I was anti-socializing for a few days, but at the same time, I was desperately hoping someone would message me, text me, call me, something. >.<
How can someone feel so excited, happy, ecstatic one moment, then seriously wish that she could just go and cry alone the next? It's ridiculous, let me explain further...
We went to a friends for a get together. It was a lot of fun, but in the last half hour, I was damn near tears. in fact, when I went outside to smoke, I had to brush a few away. I had felt it coming, but held it back as well as I could. but of course, something always clouds my fun.
This week, or the week after, I have something to look forward to. I will NOT let anything get in the way of it. Though trying to get my mom to get some of her shit out of my house is ridiculously difficult. She hasnt even filed a change of address in the 6 months she's been moved out. I keep catching myself from doing this, but one day I might not hold back and just throw her shit in the trash. this is not a storage facility, and if it was, people pay to store their shit.
I have been setting up my studio. I find it a little silly that my craft room/art studio should be the biggest room in the house, but apparently it makes sense. Well, it will come in handy when I have friends over.
I've been thinking about an ex of mine... Not that I miss us together, not exactly. But I wish that he ever cared for me. it's silly, I know. but I listened to a song the other day, and it reminded me how shattered I was after him, not for the breakup itself, but for the fact that he recovered so quickly from me, that it never seemed to faze him at all. bastard. Why did I ever care?
The sad thing is, he was the strongest I cared about in a very long time, and he just didn't seem to appreciate it. >.<
Anywho, back to the present:
Lately we've been having some issues. Probably all my fault, whether I realize it or not. Like, it really irritates me how controlling and uptight he can be. but it feels like it's worse lately. I already have that run reflex that comes up here and there. but I feel like I'm suffocating lately. And our sex life is suffering, though he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I can't help but think he's sick of looking at me. Heaven knows I'm not much to look at. but enough of my bitching. I need to go to bed. though I've been sleeping way more than I should be lately.
I've felt a little less "emo cunt" today though. And tomorrow will be better, I can feel it.
Shine on something so dreadful
Realized this too late...
[Pulse Ultra, Despot]
I've been neglectful of this page. though, part of that is because ATT sucks and screwed up my internet, leaving me with only my phone for a week, and blogger + iphone =fail. So I'm back now though.
I was anti-socializing for a few days, but at the same time, I was desperately hoping someone would message me, text me, call me, something. >.<
How can someone feel so excited, happy, ecstatic one moment, then seriously wish that she could just go and cry alone the next? It's ridiculous, let me explain further...
We went to a friends for a get together. It was a lot of fun, but in the last half hour, I was damn near tears. in fact, when I went outside to smoke, I had to brush a few away. I had felt it coming, but held it back as well as I could. but of course, something always clouds my fun.
This week, or the week after, I have something to look forward to. I will NOT let anything get in the way of it. Though trying to get my mom to get some of her shit out of my house is ridiculously difficult. She hasnt even filed a change of address in the 6 months she's been moved out. I keep catching myself from doing this, but one day I might not hold back and just throw her shit in the trash. this is not a storage facility, and if it was, people pay to store their shit.
I have been setting up my studio. I find it a little silly that my craft room/art studio should be the biggest room in the house, but apparently it makes sense. Well, it will come in handy when I have friends over.
I've been thinking about an ex of mine... Not that I miss us together, not exactly. But I wish that he ever cared for me. it's silly, I know. but I listened to a song the other day, and it reminded me how shattered I was after him, not for the breakup itself, but for the fact that he recovered so quickly from me, that it never seemed to faze him at all. bastard. Why did I ever care?
The sad thing is, he was the strongest I cared about in a very long time, and he just didn't seem to appreciate it. >.<
Anywho, back to the present:
Lately we've been having some issues. Probably all my fault, whether I realize it or not. Like, it really irritates me how controlling and uptight he can be. but it feels like it's worse lately. I already have that run reflex that comes up here and there. but I feel like I'm suffocating lately. And our sex life is suffering, though he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I can't help but think he's sick of looking at me. Heaven knows I'm not much to look at. but enough of my bitching. I need to go to bed. though I've been sleeping way more than I should be lately.
I've felt a little less "emo cunt" today though. And tomorrow will be better, I can feel it.
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