I can has alcohol?

The kiddo is in bed, food is being made, and fiance will be home in an hour. however, I haven't done nearly enough housework, and my friend who has been staying for a few days is not even close to pulling his weight. he needs to go do the damn dishes, lol.
but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.

Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"
I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.
I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?

But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.

You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.

But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.

Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.

But anywho.

My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.

I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:
We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.

Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.

I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥