tears dont fall, they crash around me.

I'm manic

ish.

can one be manic and empty at once?

I wish my life was different.

I hate him.

I'm falling behind in school.

I made a mistake.

Or maybe I did something right for once.

What dictates a mistake?

I feel bad, I dont, there's no way to distinguish whether it was right or wrong.

I needed someone today; but all my friends were busy.

I've been fighting to goddamned much lately.

My friends last night made me want to kick them.

My friends from friday made we want to run.

I've been miserable most of today; and 1/4-1/3 of yesterday.

There's something I think can help; but I don't put any faith in things anymore.

He would understand, maybe, I think. or he would condemn me.

I keep trying not to cry over it.

I can't bring myself to speak the words.

Words have power. I can't give this any more than it has.

I just want to cut away at myself until I'm skinny [therefore pretty]

Just because someone says I'm cute; it doesn't mean shit. whether its a stranger; best friend; or husband. I know better.

I really fucking want to escape.

I couldn't, even if I REALLY wanted to.

Can I lose everything and still be myself? do I have an identity, or do I become the way people want me to be? am I just a puppet for the masses?

Can I ever not blame myself for killing him? do I want to? does the guilt keep him closer in my heart, my memory?

Is there anybody out there? Is anybody calling.

Dont. my phone is broken.

Where were you?

I just want to be alone forever.

but that's a lie.

Fair

For all what, 8 of you that read this.

I'm sorry. This page needs a real post; not just me bitching and moaning.

Updates in life:
Working full time; plus school and kiddo.
it's really stressful especially since the fiance is only working weekends. but that's because we don't have child care and I make more money than him.

I've yet to be medicated. Of course. because I am awful at taking care of myself. I seriously need to just set up an appt.

The fiance and I have fought more than I am comfortable with lately.

Some fuckhead stole my wallet. thanks a lot; cuntface.

I've had a couple amazing nights with friends; and a decent number of amazing nights with the fiance.

We moved.

I need to un-retard myself from blogging; so give me time. I will also be attempting to catch up on blogs.

Dead,

Or might as well be. seriously, I'm not sure why I even bother at times.


Going to try to sleep. maybe.