ouch.

I hurt so bad right now. I really need to blog, but I can't right now. later tonight

There deserves to be a much longer post.

But I stayed up too late playing WoW. only my 2nd night, lvl 13, and I'm slowing becoming addicted. I only really started because of EC, but it's not terrible. I kinda like it.

This week hasn't been too eventful, but I'll elaborate on that later.

Tonight: we got outta work, and he asked for a cigarette. for an excuse? or because he's gonna start smoking again? so I told him he should stick around and smoke it with me. We go to my car, and I drive him to his. We sit in my car for about 30 mins, talking. sex is mentioned, and I said I wouldn't mind some more of that. he jokes "well go out to the bar, theres plenty of willing participants"
I reply "I'm picky"
EC "obviously not"
me "why not?"
*gestures to himself*
I list the fact he's attractive *he says lie* smart *barely* funny *sometimes* sweet *im a douche* and even has a job *barely* I jab holes in all of this, and tell him I think he's adorable. Because that boy is amazing. and attractive, inside and out. no splitting white here, either.

I get out to give him a hug. I give him a couple kisses on the cheek/neck, but he wouldn't let me kiss him on those soft gorgeous lips of his. I asked why not, somewhat petulantly, and he said "I like to be in control" this is very true, and I enjoy every moment of it. so I let him leave without a kiss.

will catch up on blogs tomorrow, I promise [before wow, lol]

gnite! hope all is well with you all

♥dee

With a night like that, the rest of my life may be a little disappointing.

Saturday Night. Date with EC. one of the most amazing people I've met. God I ♥ that boy.

So he picked me up at 9, we had reservations for 930 at this semi hipster semi classy asian joint. got there a little early and talked a few while I smoked a cigarette. Then we went inside, and were seated. got some steamed edamame to snack on, and talked while we ate those. He got gen tsos, and I got mango chicken. he tried the mango chicken and liked it but didn't love it. Though he snagged a couple pieces during the meal, lol. We talked and joked and had a pretty nice time.

Then we left close to 11, and started heading up toward my place. I hand my hand on his leg as he drove, and he put his arm down, so I went to move my hand, he pulled it back and linked his arm in mine. ♥

We were in the middle of having a decent discussion when I pointed at the exit near my house. He said "you did not just point to that exit." I was like, well we were talking I thought you might have been distracted. Him "you must want to lose that hand" I laughed and put my hand in my lap and said "fine, I won't move my hand. well, maybe a little."

He takes another freeway to an exit near my house, but drives to the mall thats near there instead, and said he wanted to see the christmas lights. So we walked around and talked [mostly him] for almost an hr. We got back to the car and drove to my house.

We park a few spaces over from my front door, cause there wasn't any parking in front. we sat there and talked, and smoked a couple cigs. then we started to make out/fool around, and that was a lot of fun. and he is just so sweet I can't stand it. he kinda leaned me forward and checked to make sure he hadn't bruised me on sunday.

All in all, it was way better than I expected, and I was pretty sure it was gonna be a good night.

Today was pretty good. AV is at my mothers, and I didn't wake up til 2pm, so I didn't even see the ex til like 11 tonight. EM came over with his kiddo and that was awesome. that kid is a completely different person, he used to be so withdrawn/reserved it really worried me. But now he is this outgoing sunny kid who seems very happy. I txtd EC sporadically, I wish I could spend more time with him. When I have my own place, I'm so dragging him over lol

Hope everyone is doing well, I shouldn't be tired but I am. So I will get off here. EC may give me a ride home tomorrow ♥ I hope so, lol. I'd much rather sit in the car with him than my stupid ex, lol.

God I dig that boy ♥

Last night.

was amazing. I'm hanging out with a buddy, and his kiddo. But I will post later detailing everything. /sigh. such a wonderful night


God I ♥ that boy. >.>

The irony doesn't escape me

That the name I use on here is very similar to my crazy aunt's nickname. [though she went by dee dee].

That boy and I today at work, we beat each other silly. Flicking each other and shtuff, and I swear it was like when you like someone in middle school lmao. or elementary. I'm sore.

Big date tomorrow! big for me, at least. I invited him out to a lovely asian restaurant, a classy joint. I told him it was a date. I'm excited. Though. dammit. I never did make reservations. I'll try in the morning. I want a late one, like 9 or 930 though. What the eff will I wear? I've gotten fat. I'm easily a size 22 still, my size 20 jeans fit if I don't button them. and they button, but it only shows my stomach fat more so. x.x Maybe if I find a dress on sale tomorrow. but most likely I'll just spend hours sifting through my ill fitting wardrobe. I just need to lose weight to fit back into the clothes I used to fit so, decently at least. I'm at a disgusting size. I want to be a 16, without the huge tummy. x.x then a 12. maybe I'll be happy w myself at a 12.

I need to sleep. but I have grocery shopping I'm currently dreading. LMAO.

I wanna dye my hair bright purple. I even bought the dye. but now I'm concerned he may not like it. because it's "scene" apparently. o.O And when I showed a friend today, he just said "it's very drastic" I didn't tell anyone else cause it's supposed to be a surprise monday lol. But I don't want to look bad. My darling guessed purple, and I had to play it off like no. >.>

Ack. I need to go shopping. I know I didn't talk about much. but I didn't do much aside from what I mentioned. lol

♥dee

Thanksgiving, what is there to be thankful for?

Note: I almost didn't post today, though technically it's no longer thursday. but I left my laptop at home and no one would let me use theirs. either way, I decided to blog tonight since tomorrow will be so busy.

A lot, actually. I'm getting to see my dad for the first time in months, I saw my sisters and mom for the first time in 2 months. I have a wonderful son who just turned two. My ex and I are getting along, I have a job I don't abhor, and a guy that confuses me but also makes me feel amazing. ♥ So life isn't so bad.

This afternoon I got really down/depressed though. There wasn't anything actually going on at the time, my son was being cranky, and I was just feeling awful. But my family all arrived, and I cheered up, and had a decent night ♥

This guy I knew in church, years ago. had a huge crush on him, but he barely knew I existed. His soon to be ex is being psychotic, and he's been talking to me more lately. He called me sweetie a few times last night and he has called me 3 nights in a row. But I don't think he likes me, and besides, he lives in another state. Besides, I wouldn't want him to like me. Not after meeting Him. ♥ this confusing friend of mine I've posted about so much. Who makes me feel kinda crazy [in a not totally bad way, sometimes lol]

Who I have a date with saturday night. ♥ Granted, I asked him out. But I made it known it was a real date. and it's at a nice restaurant. which I love this restaurant, and he's never been. so I really hope he likes it.

I'm exhausted though, and have to work at 8am. I love you guys, and I will try to update tomorrow night when I finally get home =]

♥dee

I was going

to post tonight, but I'm too goddamn tired. I'll do it tomorrow, since I won't be up to much lol

♥dee

Catching up this past few days.

I haven't been posting in a few days; so I'll try to catch things up::

Sunday, he wasn't able to come over for dinner. He had to spend time with his dad. that's fine, no problem. He txts me later that evening asking how I'm doing, I was having an off day, my heart hurt, etc. I told him this and he called me. We were on the phone for like 20mins, he mentions 'well you better cheer up soon' I asked why he said just because. He was driving but I didn't think much of it. I hear a knock at the door and he hangs up when I tell him to hang on.
He was at my goddamn door. ♥
We sat and played Fable 3 and talked and kissed a little...

because of the t/m thing i asked if we were different than that.
he doesnt see himself dating. worried he'd be going through the motions. no problem with calling someone his gf, or other ppl calling someone his gf. would maybe not tell me if he had sex w someone and it was deff a one time thing.

Cuddled and played fable 3 all night. was affectionate. popped a couple of my zits. didnt seem to mind my not so smooth legs.

kissed. he kissed my head. held me so i wouldn't freeze outside. gave me his cigs at the end of the night. glanced at me a few times. giggled with me over my fuzzy legs.

I fucking love this boy.

That was sunday. I don't love him but I sure can feel the want to there. I'm so good at seeing the possibilities I get a little blinded by reality. ugh.

The week was sorta uneventful. a friend freaked me out friday, we were hanging out and he mentioned dating around. I told him that's not my thing, I tend to fixate on liking one person at a time. he says "I understand, I'm fixated on you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you in 2 weeks" creepy right? esp since that friend is supposed to be happily engaged. and I know his fiance wouldn't believe me. and I'd lose them as friends. so I didn't know what to do. and he was already holding me cause I was cold, but then he hugged me and pressed his lips to my head. It was the perfect response.

But it hurts. It hurts because I want him to want to date me, I want him to like me. I want him to be mine. And I'm afraid my jealousy will get in the way before that happens.

I really care about this guy. I hate that he cuddles with his female roommate [though he would stop if he was dating someone] I want him to cuddle ME every night. goddamnit I just want him. and it hurts.

Structure and Disappointment

Disappointment.

So my darling friend that I dig so much isn't coming over today. He's apparently going to spend time with his dad and go out to eat with him. He was so apologetic, and was like "you, you haven't started dinner yet, have you?" I almost wanted to say I had to see what he would do. but I don't wanna lie to him. If anything I would have lied if I had started it and didn't want him to feel bad about it.

I'm not mad, or really that upset. just kind of bummed because I was really looking forward to some time with him this weekend. >.> god I dig that boy. youngin though he is [a whole month younger- I must be robbing the cradle lol]

Structure.

This blog is a mess. disorganized jumble of impulsivity. I don't think before I post, I don't post certain things at certain times, etc. I feel like this inhibits me from having readers. o.O I want to change this I think

impulsivity.

So my dad sent me $50 today, with the note "dinner's on me tonight, love dad"

he's pretty awesome.

So I'm sitting at home, and what do I decide to do? order 2 pairs of jeans [that will probably be too small, or at least super tight] and spend nearly $70 on it. >.< but I don't regret it that much. I need new clothes, and I didn't want to buy a size I wont be in long. and if I have to go easy on the smoking, so be it. I'll figure out all the finances. But I'm the only one really bringing in substantial income, and I wanted to buy myself something. I think I deserved it.

Plus, I can't help but think of when these jeans that are deff gonna be too tight, end up being too loose. ♥
I do better losing weight when I have a tangible goal like that. and this time, I won't throw up to get down to a 14 x.x

Time for yoga!

What or who am I?

Trying to find a psychologist is exhausting, emotionally.

I had my hopes up, only to be shot down from the guy. Once I mentioned BPD, he immediately started trying to shuffle me onto other people, vaguely, not even being helpful. I almost cried. Then I got to go back to work for 3.5 hrs.

My friend is amazing. yesterday I went to give someone a lighter back, she said i could keep it, so I'm walking toward the exit to leave work; when I bumped into him and his friend. His friend wandered off immediately, and I said bye and stood there awkwardly for a second, because it seemed he wanted to say something.
Something like this, though it's chopped a little cause I don't remember it perfectly clear.
"have a good evening, and weekend"
"you too. wait, you're coming over sunday still, right?"
"noooo, [joking]. of course"
"awesome."

then he gave me a kiss on the lips, right there at work. pretty sure no one saw, but the fact that he did it where someone could have seen. well. damn that boy. ♥ I was smiling and so giddy upon walking outta work. =D He called me later, and we were talking and I mentioned I was having an amazing night. and he said "and we both know why that is" "you practically skipped out of there"

God damn I can't wait to date this boy. ♥

Yoga, Pilates, and whatever else. eating better is a given.
I need these. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm aiming for a size 16 right now. that's 2-3 sizes smaller. When I hit that point, we will see where I go from there. I am not defeatist about this. I can do this. I've been a size 24, and dropped all the way to a 14. I CAN do this. ♥

♥dee

I wil never be silent.

A couple of the BPs I read have gone away. It's sad, because I like to see how others cope with it.

But it also reminds me, that I will never be silenced. maybe I'm a coward, for not posting who I am to the world, but if I did, I would never be so honest.

My voice is disguised but strong. And if that's the way I have to deal, then so be it.

Any columbus BPs know anything about Dr J Scott Craig? he takes both Caresource and the insurance I'm going to be on come January. Has anyone been there or know anyone who has?

Either way. Dr time soon. I need to do this, for me. I had this planned before I even broke it off w the fiance.

My friend and I had a date tonight, sorta. We talked, and he mentioned [not that he thinks it would happen with us] but his history speaks for him, he is drawn to broken people. And when they get fixed/fix themselves, they leave him. I don't want to do that. I won't do that. If we date, great. If we get serious, I will make him happier than the bitch that broke him.

Which is why I told him tonight.

That I don't want to date him. And he understood completely, that I meant not yet, because I don't want him to be a rebound, some casual affair, some mistake. I want him to be something meaningful. though he already means more to me than he should.

I know I won't be fixed. I know I will always be a little broken. maybe that is a little comforting to him. even if he doesn't quite realize what BPD entails. I'm hoping to keep the crazy to a minimum.

He called me codependent, and I said I was fiercely independent. Then he told me last night, that when he's really in a relationship, he is really invested to that point, he is very co-dependent. he needs attention, wants to be the most important person in my life, share our lives in every aspect. he thought I had a negative expression on my face, but I told him I was just trying not to smile. because I've never dated someone like that. And I'm a bit like that myself.

I don't love him. but I can imagine how it would be, so vividly. And it doesn't seem bad at all.

♥dee

It is what it is. o.O

I know I'm not in love, but it could be so easy.

we talked tonight. He brought up an example of how Freud is not a nut, because I am a lot like his mom. lol.

He mentioned something about how I'm always a rock for other people even when I just want someone to be mine. I asked him to clarify. He said do you want a real example or a general one. I said I preferred real; he brought up my darling dead boyfriend. How during that time, he guesses I was a rock for everyone else, when in NO way should that have been asked of me. And it's true. which is probably why I ended up in the hospital 6 months later. He's very smart, and sweet, and amazing.

I tried to explain something he said about me [that he got right on the mark, he has a scary way of knowing me already] and he said no. it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change things.

I said, "you mean it just is what it is"

him: exactly.

I don't care if I'm just splitting him white right now. It feels nice.

I awkwardly asked him on a date. sorta. not really. lol

I asked if he wanted to talk more tomorrow evening, because we both enjoy our conversations.
I said, maybe you could drive me home?
he asked if I didn't have a way home,
I told him no, my ex needed the car, and I was gonna ask a different friend, but I enjoy our talks more lol.
He said yes,
and I said, you wanna grab dinner tomorrow? my treat.
He asked if he could pick where I said sure. ♥

Is that a date? or just thanking a friend that I've fucked before for the ride home?

I brought up us sleeping together days ago. we did it once, and I wanted at least that from him. Cause I kinda dig him. and I brought it up outright, "__ said I should just say, this was fun, we should do it again sometime. But I'm just not that smooth" lol.

And he said fuck buddies is a bad thing usually, cause someone always ends up developing feelings and the other doesnt. and we aren't fuck buddies.
So I asked what are we?
And he said I dunno. but something.

And I know this whole sleeping together thing doesn't mean nothing. He really seems to enjoy spending time with me. and he's only slept w 3 people, so I don't think this is a flippant thing. And my friend says he deff sees something there from him for me. Like in the way he looks/acts around me. ♥

I am going to bed thouugh. Long day, and I gotta get whored up for tomorrow. XD

I just have to get this out.

I'm very dependent on this blog right this moment.

I know I mentioned this before, but I showed him my crazy last night. I thought I had mentioned my stay in the mental hospital, but I don't think he remembers. I'll tell him that part later. I told him there was something else I'd tell him later.

I dropped the words. I used the term Borderline Personality Disorder. this early in a relationship, that's probably not a good idea. especially since we aren't technically dating, nor will we for awhile. I told him i would be seeing a shrink on a regular basis soon. He asked to know what medications I'll be put on. He gets a little frustrated that I don't believe him when it comes to positive things about me. So I'm going to take him at face value. He's so sweet, and genuine. I don't think he's setting out to hurt me. That and we wont be thinking of dating exclsively or anything anytime soon.

The ex is getting title XX and bumping back up to full time. I am moving in December. I can not wait. He thought he walked in on a date tonight. we were just hanging out. but a date would have been nice too. ♥ we shall see how things go. We cuddled on the couch, played madden, and watched comedy shtuffs. It was nice.

I am finding a psych asap. I need medication, and I need to get DBT or some such. I need to do this, before there is an US.

Going to bed though, gotta working in the AM ♥

Jumping to conclusions

I feel so much better than I did this morning. if you read through I already start to feel better but... this is good.

I love my life. right now. exactly as it is.

My mistake wasn't so bad. He's still around.

For whatever this is, he hasn't disappeared.

that's something, at least.

He even said this afternoon:

"I had a lot of fun as well crazy included. I really like that we can talk and we both know so completely what the other means when we say things"

OMG! ♥♥♥ That's wonderful. I was determined to be happy no matter what. but how can I not be when I hear something like that? =^.^=

I need to be careful to not actually fall for this boy. He could be trouble.

I can't think of a post to cover my self-rage

Oh fucking christ.

Oh FUCKING christ.

WHY? what the fuck was wrong with me?

I was drunker than I ever thought possible, that's what.

And I sincerely hope I don't burn a bridge because of it.

He is a wonderful lovely man that I showed all my crazy too last night.

FUCK.

And I dropped the L word. I know I didn't mean it, not in that way and not completely.

But I do care, a lot.

And we cuddled.

A lot.

And talked

And he took me to Waffle House to sober me up.

Which apparently he also did cause he likes spending time alone with me.

Loverly.

Maybe we'll go on a date sometime.

Or maybe he'll run once he wakes up today.

But he stayed long enough last night; and that means a great deal.

Right?

Oh he's so broken, but I wouldn't begin to understand someone who's not.

Why is it that everyone has that one person that has absolutely destroyed them?

I want to kick her, and I don't even know her.

You fucked up girl, and you missed out hxc.

But how could someone hurt that dear boy?

I don't want to, but I did last night a bit I know.

He was shaking, heart trying to burst through his chest.

Because I said I love you.

He was so angry, though he kept it bottled up at the time.

And we fooled around. Which is what we do.

I'm so hung over now.

And I can't wait for him to wake up.

♥

I'm a statue baby, knock me out.

music has, as always, been my drug. and maybe that's why I'm so calm. or maybe I'm just so disassociated from this part of my life.

I am no longer with my fiance. we fight too goddamn much, and in front of the kiddo. and I just can't be ok with that. He's been getting farther from enabling and closer to reflecting my borderline raging. And that kills me.

The entire discussion, I was severely disassociated. which worked, because it was the calmest, scary almost how well it went. it was mutual, even. we still love each other, but we are hurting each other. So we ended it, before there could be resentment. we smiled and played videogames after. It was weird.

So is the thought of being single. oh god.

But I'm ok. really. I think I'll be fine.

tears dont fall, they crash around me.

I'm manic

ish.

can one be manic and empty at once?

I wish my life was different.

I hate him.

I'm falling behind in school.

I made a mistake.

Or maybe I did something right for once.

What dictates a mistake?

I feel bad, I dont, there's no way to distinguish whether it was right or wrong.

I needed someone today; but all my friends were busy.

I've been fighting to goddamned much lately.

My friends last night made me want to kick them.

My friends from friday made we want to run.

I've been miserable most of today; and 1/4-1/3 of yesterday.

There's something I think can help; but I don't put any faith in things anymore.

He would understand, maybe, I think. or he would condemn me.

I keep trying not to cry over it.

I can't bring myself to speak the words.

Words have power. I can't give this any more than it has.

I just want to cut away at myself until I'm skinny [therefore pretty]

Just because someone says I'm cute; it doesn't mean shit. whether its a stranger; best friend; or husband. I know better.

I really fucking want to escape.

I couldn't, even if I REALLY wanted to.

Can I lose everything and still be myself? do I have an identity, or do I become the way people want me to be? am I just a puppet for the masses?

Can I ever not blame myself for killing him? do I want to? does the guilt keep him closer in my heart, my memory?

Is there anybody out there? Is anybody calling.

Dont. my phone is broken.

Where were you?

I just want to be alone forever.

but that's a lie.

Fair

For all what, 8 of you that read this.

I'm sorry. This page needs a real post; not just me bitching and moaning.

Updates in life:
Working full time; plus school and kiddo.
it's really stressful especially since the fiance is only working weekends. but that's because we don't have child care and I make more money than him.

I've yet to be medicated. Of course. because I am awful at taking care of myself. I seriously need to just set up an appt.

The fiance and I have fought more than I am comfortable with lately.

Some fuckhead stole my wallet. thanks a lot; cuntface.

I've had a couple amazing nights with friends; and a decent number of amazing nights with the fiance.

We moved.

I need to un-retard myself from blogging; so give me time. I will also be attempting to catch up on blogs.

Dead,

Or might as well be. seriously, I'm not sure why I even bother at times.


Going to try to sleep. maybe.

Well at least schools over.

So had to drive down another country road late at night for work. It was awful, to be honest. luckily the second night I had a coworker follow me so she could get home okay, that kept my mind occupied. I was also focusing on the one that shattered me, rather than the one that left me. It helped, but it isnt a good method to use. I've been splitting him white lately. And it's only hurting me for it. but he's gone now. he may write me with the rest of his friends, but I'm pretty sure if I get anything it's out of boredom. To be honest, it's depressing how I'm always there for him when he needs it, but I can never talk to him >.> It's ok though. That's why I have the wonderful man I really don't deserve.
We're moving. I'm excited. I hate this town. I have hardly any friends here, and it's lonely. plus, even if we aren't moving far, it feels like it will be good for us. We're looking at places soon. I'm so hungry, think I'll go get food soon. I feel so stressed out >.> but it's alright. Life will be better once we do this.
Also, my friend has been staying with us. it's annoying as shit at this point. I usually ask him to take out the dog when he's awake, and today I think he was irate about it. probably porning it up on his furry chat. ew. he says "whens the last time you took her out?" I could have said I do it all the time when he's asleep, which is true, but instead I said "when's the last time you cleaned something?"
Maybe it's just me, but if you have free room and board, you should be a little grateful and do some housework. Sure he babysits here and there, but he does it lazily. not to mention we were gone with the kiddo for TWO days, and he didn't do a damn thing. yeah, I'm sick of it. So he suggests if I clean the kitchen, he'll do the dishes. I think he should do all of it, just to be thankful for the free internet and use of a computer and cable and a bed in his own room etc.
When we move we won't have room for him though, so he'll hafta find someone else to leech off of. I'm kinda thrilled by that. ok, more than kinda. I can't wait. ♥

Thats all for now, I think.

Suicidal thoughts.

This is a short post. but only because I'm exhausted, I'm not off to do anything dumb.

So driving home tonight, I was going down a road that reminded me of the one from the accident. it was eerily similar. And I couldn't help but think of making a sharp, deliberate turn, rolling in the car over and over... It would have been so easy. Die in an accident...

Then, as I took my sister her stupid dessert because she has a psycho ex, my mom decided she needed a treat [but I didn't get shit for my birthday? THAT'S totally fair.] I drop it off, and my mom all but says to gtfo. lovely right?

So I felt awful tonight, for hours. and the one person I think could have made me feel better doesn't seem to care when he doesn't need something. I'm just idealizing him though. It's funny, he used to hate how I idealized O, but yet here I am putting him back on a pedestal. fuck me.

Music seemed to simultaneously bring me up and down. It felt better, but at the same time, I'm reminded how alone I am in my interests.

On a decent note though, I'm going to bed. mixed feelings but not as dark as driving home...

goodnight all.

Oh and...

I have not been neglecting this because I've lost interest. The friend who's been staying with us has been leeching my computer all day to talk on furry/rp chats. lovely, right? >.<

Catching up on blogs in the morning, ♥ you guys =]

That is all.

Rawr.

so. working now. that's always fun. too bad I have to work 2 jobs. because someone has wage garnishments and I will bring in more money. applied for a credit card, only a 300$ limit but my credit will benefit from it. I'm rocking back and forth writing this, cause I'm tired lol.

I've been talking to a friend lately. it's very nice and infuriating at the same time. on the plus side, he's almost as screwed up as I am. and he is unlikely to be swayed by my charisma. o.O Though it would probably be easy to get him to forget his morals. I don't want to be that kind of person. >.>

The one who shattered me has been on my mind lately. he got in a fight with his wife, hxc shit all over the web [retaliation for her constant posting every tiny negative thing] He even said he regretted marrying her. I never was 100% sure they'd last but I thought theyd have a few more years than this. they've only been married like 6 months >.> but he called me out in a blog. I screen shot it, which is weird but oh well. he just mentioned how he spoils her crazy and she's barely got him anything [3 things, one being broken and another being his wedding ring] in 2 years.
"Even my ex who I'm still friends with, dee, got me this and this and this. it's not hard to get inexpensive things off ebay or something"
My heart pittered a little. I don't love him anymore. really. But he was the world to me for a while, and I barely mattered to him at all. I just want him to wonder, to miss me, to think that he let a catch slip by. Is that stupid? >.>
But they made up, which is great. he even changed his relationship status to 'single' beforehand. It was pretty fucking bad. But I'm glad they made up.

God. I am not having a good week.

On the plus side. Brand New's The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me has got to be the best album I've heard in ages, I am becoming re-addicted to it. Degausser, Jesus Christ, Untitled, Handcuffs. Just a few of the tracks I can't get out of my head.

In other tunes, I've been listening to a lot A7X lately. Beast and the Harlot won't get outta my head, lol. Though I'm pretty sure 1/2 the lyric sites are wrong "She's a dwelling place for demons, she's a cage for every unclean spirit, every filthy burden" that's what I think it is, I keep seeing "bird" some people are retarded >.>

I miss when life was easy. I miss being alone sometimes. I'm never alone anymore. I love my family, I can tolerate my friend, but I need some goddamn alone time. grrr. I'm going to go insane without it.

Maybe I can get a friend to go out for drinks. that would be alright, I think. drinking alone is depressing.

I can has alcohol?

The kiddo is in bed, food is being made, and fiance will be home in an hour. however, I haven't done nearly enough housework, and my friend who has been staying for a few days is not even close to pulling his weight. he needs to go do the damn dishes, lol.
but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.

Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"
I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.
I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?

But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.

You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.

But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.

Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.

But anywho.

My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.

I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:
We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.

Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.

I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥

rage-y. and irrationally so.

I can't help it. I'm so pissed. I never get what I want. why even try? Why even let me care about anything? So I can be crushed? Dissociation setting in, luckily or else I'd say things to him I may regret. I'll post more later.

tomorrow is never that far away...

yesterday wasn't really great. but it wasn't bad either. honestly, aside from homework it was pretty blah.

Today, however, is shaping up to be a good day.
I woke up at 9:30 with my son. How lucky am I that my kid sleeps til 9:30?
Made the kiddo a breakfast, watched some Roseanne, scheduled my classes for next quarter, ate a fiber plus bar, facebooked, decided on dinner plans, and did a little cleaning. The fiance woke up about 12, we sat outside a few minutes and I swept up the porch. I really need to finish getting the house painted. oh well, it'll get done soon enough. I'm in a pretty good mood. I haven't woke up this early in a week, cause I haven't been able to sleep until 6, 7, sometimes 9 in the morning. >.< I'm fighting back some self-image issues, but I will NOT let them screw up today. Dammit, I deserve a day of happy.
Gonna bust out the indoor grill thingy tonight, see how that works out.

Watching Hoarders: Buried Alive. I have a tendency to hoard, a lot of it clothing, but nothing like that. but I've moved so much, lost so many things dear to me, including the best self portrait [and oil pastel] that I have ever done. When I first moved here, all I could bring from my old home was what I could fit into 1/2 a laundry basket. Which is probably why I have a tendency to not let things go.

I hoard people too. I know that sounds strange, but let me explain. I practically refuse to let people out of my life. I don't let people go. exes, former friends, I keep them in my life in some way. I don't want anyone to leave me, even after I leave them. o.O

I'll post more later.

How is everyone today? good, bad, or blah day so far?

I wake up and find myself unstable ♥

How can something so beautiful
Shine on something so dreadful
Realized this too late...
[Pulse Ultra, Despot]

I've been neglectful of this page. though, part of that is because ATT sucks and screwed up my internet, leaving me with only my phone for a week, and blogger + iphone =fail. So I'm back now though.

I was anti-socializing for a few days, but at the same time, I was desperately hoping someone would message me, text me, call me, something. >.<

How can someone feel so excited, happy, ecstatic one moment, then seriously wish that she could just go and cry alone the next? It's ridiculous, let me explain further...

We went to a friends for a get together. It was a lot of fun, but in the last half hour, I was damn near tears. in fact, when I went outside to smoke, I had to brush a few away. I had felt it coming, but held it back as well as I could. but of course, something always clouds my fun.

This week, or the week after, I have something to look forward to. I will NOT let anything get in the way of it. Though trying to get my mom to get some of her shit out of my house is ridiculously difficult. She hasnt even filed a change of address in the 6 months she's been moved out. I keep catching myself from doing this, but one day I might not hold back and just throw her shit in the trash. this is not a storage facility, and if it was, people pay to store their shit.

I have been setting up my studio. I find it a little silly that my craft room/art studio should be the biggest room in the house, but apparently it makes sense. Well, it will come in handy when I have friends over.

I've been thinking about an ex of mine... Not that I miss us together, not exactly. But I wish that he ever cared for me. it's silly, I know. but I listened to a song the other day, and it reminded me how shattered I was after him, not for the breakup itself, but for the fact that he recovered so quickly from me, that it never seemed to faze him at all. bastard. Why did I ever care?
The sad thing is, he was the strongest I cared about in a very long time, and he just didn't seem to appreciate it. >.<

Anywho, back to the present:
Lately we've been having some issues. Probably all my fault, whether I realize it or not. Like, it really irritates me how controlling and uptight he can be. but it feels like it's worse lately. I already have that run reflex that comes up here and there. but I feel like I'm suffocating lately. And our sex life is suffering, though he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I can't help but think he's sick of looking at me. Heaven knows I'm not much to look at. but enough of my bitching. I need to go to bed. though I've been sleeping way more than I should be lately.

I've felt a little less "emo cunt" today though. And tomorrow will be better, I can feel it.

Funnybone

We has tickets, I can't wait to go.
We spent $30 on books today. fuck. but I'm really pretty thrilled, I love books.
I'm hungry. I need to lose 6inches in both my waist and hips by march. I can do it, I just need to be dedicated. I don't exactly know what to lose in my upper torso, but I'm sure I'll have no trouble losing there x.x
Got sized, I'm actually a 40D. the chick tried saying I was a DD, but I proved her wrong! >.<
I've been ignoring little things a lot lately, like my anger at my mom/sisters, etc. I've been talking to a friend, he reminds me of someone else I am close to, and I both like and dislike that.
I feel kind of manic ish. I'm not sure of what to write, my mind is all over the place.
I have my first Victoria's Secret bra. it is of the GODS. my walmart bras just don't compare. getting another one tomorrow, this one I got from a friend.
I wish my fiance let me bite him. >.<
Everyone seems to love the dress I picked for the wedding, but ONE person told me they didn't think it was that good looking, and now I'm constantly second guessing it.

I wanna use the oil pastels I got from my loverly friend for my birthday. and my new paints, and the detail brushes. But I should do homework first. screw it, I'm making something purdy tonight. XD

I'm feeling very alone right now. It makes me really depressed. I need to go out, do something. but I can't.

Maybe I'll hit the bar tonight. lol

A little bit of history.

[[this isn't done but I'll be damned if I dont let it out.]]

I remember the night. driving up to his friends in morrow county. offering him a drink but him saying no because "he didn't want to risk anything happening to me"
The night, the sharp left turn. the bumping, the rolling of the car. EMS almost instantaneous. the blood. the blood that wasn't mine, because my blood had painted the ground, not my face, my chest. screaming. knowing he was gone but trying so hard not to believe it. but the blood, the lack of response from him... the laceration in the back of his head I heard about later, which made sense because all the blood had to come from somewhere. the EMS workers as I begged them to help him. [tears... gotta stop now...]

less than two months after he died my mom told me to "get over it"
five months after he died, I was in another state, away from one of his best friends [my boyfriend at the time, we were both hurting after the accident] I had broken up with him, I couldn't do the distance thing.
I dated a friend for a very short while [absolutely nothing serious, though I was his first gf, lol] We broke up because I stole from Meijer and got in an argument with a friend of his.

That night I grabbed the scissors out of my bag, sitting by an overpass. First I hacked off all my hair. Cut a good 6inches off, down to 1-2inches. I didn't feel better afterward. Not good enough. I sliced my arms, my neck, my chest. Not very deeply, but enough to bleed. The scissors were dull, anyway. The blood was pretty. I called 911 on myself [anonymously] and waited.
I was thinking I would be in a 72hr suicide watch type thing. I didn't know better, I was barely 17. My dad decided instead, to have me committed. 2weeks. I was told I had borderline personality disorder.
After, I was shipped back home to my mom, the self righteous bitch. She was the reason I was even up there in the first place.
This was 3yrs ago. I was put on prozac, which made me feel awful. My mom never let me go to another shrink, so I never got any more therapy or medication.

[Incomplete]
It's been 4 years. and I still can't stop crying sometimes. even being engaged, having a child... I miss you so much more than I can say. I will never let you go...

I blamed myself.

Watching Law & Order SVU today, again.

Got me thinking. They tell people to not blame themselves. but I still do.

It was after my moms suicide attempt, almost a year later. I was at my dads house, around christmas, 16 years old. my sister and her boyfriend were pushing my dad around, buying his silence with booze and threats. He was terrified of her boyfriend. So was everyone else. I couldn't decide who I was more afraid of, him or her. I was heavier [as she so often reminded me] but I'm not one for fighting. I can, but I don't like to. probably because of her. but that's another blog, for another time. They had a friend living there. I don't even know his real name.

My sister had alcohol, decided we would get drunk. She gave my dad a bottle and he stayed upstairs. We drank, smoked pot, and drank some more. She kept giving me more. I was so messed up I couldn't move.

They left me downstairs, with the friend of theirs. I tried to say no, but it wasn't the loud assertive no it should have been, but a drunken whimper. And... it happened. my first time. drunk and stoned in a dirty basement with someone I didn't know, or want to. On an orange couch that probably belonged in the 70s. My eyes closed, wanting this not to be happening. Thinking how awful was I to let this happen. And everyone upstairs, oblivious.

I have a couple blogs in draft still. Its hard to finish them. Hard to talk about things, scarey to think someone might read these who knows me, who will think differently of me.

I'm pretty much all better from being sick. going back to the gym today. I need to get into shape.

I want to get away.
I want to see the midnight sun, the northern lights. I'm thinking of going north. Maybe we can honeymoon there. I don't know.

I need to talk to someone. but I don't even know where to begin.

I did some art that doesn't suck so far, though it's such a bland concept.

We might get a dog. I'd like that. we're going to the movies tonight. We will see how it goes.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. >.<

I've been struggling to get to my schoolwork. But I'll get it done, I want to do well.

Wow, its been like a week. o.o

I haven't dropped yet another thing. I am still here. I've had a very busy week. Father's day morning, Larry proposed to me again. I was laying there naked. He proposes in awkward ways, lol. I didn't answer til monday, but we knew I would. We stayed up til nearly 8am sunday night at a friends, it was nice. we played some board games, and had a lot of fun.

My friend let me borrow $200 bucks, which really helped me out. He doesn't expect me to pay him back, but I can't let a debt go unpaid.

Paid for 2 classes wednesday, that's all I can afford to take.

I've been sick a couple days, I feel awful. I still managed some housework and cooking, though today was just leftovers. Tomorrow I'm experimenting with chicken paremesan. maybe some noodles with it.

I feel like shit for not going to the gym since weds morning. But I'm so sick. I just want to be pretty when we get married. I don't want to wait until June, either. It'll probably be March, maybe even a winter wedding, in february. The sooner I get taxes back XD

I'm just waiting for the depression. Something is going to screw this up. I know it.

I have a headache. I have to go. I'll write more, later.

Semidrama.

I'm starting this on thursday, but I know I wont finish it until tomorrow. besides, 3 blogs in one day, might be a bit much x.x

So I'm friends with an ex I dated 3 yrs ago. He broke up with his girl a month or so ago. we keep making plans to grab coffee but I keep flaking because of stuff coming up [picking up the boyfriend, driving someone to work, etc]

So the other day we are talking [about him getting a GED] and out of nowhere, really he says:
On another note I miss you.

Well, we haven't talked in a week or so, so I take this semicasually.
I miss ya too, we haven't hung out in ages.
then a second msg,
Maybe I should help you study for the GED

Him:
That would be helpful
and a second msg from him:
I wish shit would have worked out between us.

Me:
Yeah, but I'm a horrid girlfriend so it's probably best it didn't.

Him:
Youre so easy to talk to and beautiful.

Me:
I'm not beautiful, I'm fat. x.x I can't argue that I'm easy to talk to.

short story: we go back and forth about how apparently wonderful I am, how he doesnt think I get told it enough, how I think he's just messed up over his last gf, he doesn't think so, etcetcetc.

WTF?

I can't lie, I did smile, enjoy it. It felt nice, him saying those things. I didn't force the subject to change like I should have. I didn't exactly encourage it either. but I didn't discourage it either.

The discussion turned to me saying I'm the reason we broke up, being borderline and unable to control myself. He said it was a choice of mine, so I sent a few links to educate him.

Later that night I sent him a txt,
Did you read those links? I hope ya did <3
I meant like, I'd love it if he did, but it wasn't very specific to that. He said he'd read them when he got home from work. o.O


I... don't know. I haven't talked to him in a day or 2.
It's not like I love him, My emotions aren't involved really at all. but I kinda like knowing that someone regrets not being with me.

I'll write later, I think I should introduce some backstory. o.O

frustration.

So, for the past couple hours I was feeling ok. talked to my best friend, that's always nice even if the boyfriend hates him >.<

Then I pick up the boyfriend from work. He didn't even notice I chopped a good 1.5inches off my bangs. x.x then I had to change the song quickly, "You wanna get married, run away..." stupid goo goo dolls. that upset me a little, even that stupid whore is getting married. Other BPs get married, their husbands love them enough. but the boyfriend obviously doesnt. needless to say it hurts. constantly. he could marry that horrid woman, but not me. I'd like to think I'm not as bad as her. but maybe I'm worse, and just blind to it. fuck me, I'm hopeless. If he's not going to marry me I don't want to stick around, to hurt more and more. I know that sounds stupid, considering he's put up with me for 2 years. And i know "marriage isn't any different" blah blah blah. That's bullshit. Marriage would mean he at least cared enough to stick around. instead of having a "get out of crazytown without paying for a divorce" card.
Back to my point, I went off on him because of this. I just wanna punch him sometimes. Maybe we just aren't meant.

Someone stab me in the face please.

the ego and the id.

So, I'm not a huge freudian fan. but there is this concept in particular that seems to fit, ish.

the ego and the id. the superego as well, but that doesn't relate as well.

I feel like as a person, I'm missing my superego. the voice that tells you that you should think it through before you do it, the compromise in my head. maybe that's just a part of borderline, the impulsiveness. it makes sense, right?

I feel like I'm almost 2 people [not DID or anything, let me explain]
I know that I am one person. I know this. but at times it feels like there's 2 aspects to me. sensible, responsible does what is right what needs to be done thinks before she acts L. and then there's the wild crazy doesn't care about the consequences does what happens to sound good at the moment, D.

Needless to say, D wins almost everytime. L hasn't had much of a voice in years, aside from staying with the boyfriend, who I love dearly, overcoming that cut and run mentality so far; getting a GED and starting college [Even if D has screwed it up a few times, ditching class, not studying for stupid reasons etc.]

I don't know if this makes sense to any other BPs out there, but it does to me. Maybe I place to much in the separating the two aspects of me. but don't you feel this way sometimes, too?

Good days are always cloudy.

Today/yesterday has been pretty good. but as always there's plenty of darkness. Though I've been able to keep it at bay.

I lost nearly 4lbs in less than a week so far. Thats good, right? I can't live with myself the way I am. I have to change it. I want to be pretty, like people tell me I am. I want to see it, with saying to myself "if you were skinny, if you didn't have such fat legs, fat hips, fatfatfat." That's the worse part I see of myself physically.

My mom tweezed my eyebrows for me today. We may not get along super well, I'm definitely not the favorite. but my eyebrows aren't beastly like before =P

I'm going to the gym soon. so I'm cutting this short.
I'll write about the ego and the id, and ex semidrama later. =P

I'm not quite sure.

So someone got all pissy with me today as we were talking about fafsa. I tried to explain that his debt is NOT the reason he was denied, but because when he applied he was considered a dependent by the govt. He yells at me and hangs up. whatever. he's a perverted piece of shit anyway, I ignore it but maybe I shouldn't have.

Anywho::::

I've been going to the gym the past few days [since last weds, so almost a week.] I weighed myself on sunday, and I've lost 1.5lbs. I know that sounds like nothing, but it's a start.

What's more important on an excersize bike? the mph or the time spent? my friend did 50 mins [at about 7-8mph, starting at 1 resistance and getting up to 7 resistance [still in the 7mph area]
I did 30mins on the bike, going from 4-6 resistance, [upping every 10 mins] at about 12-13mph for the first 20mins, then 13-14mph for the last 10. She's lost more weight than I have and only been to the gym 1 extra day.but she's also been taking a multivitamin, and both fish and flaxseed oil. plus she's heavier than I am [by about 100lbs]

I don't hurt like I was when I started at the gym. [except for my ass, the bike seat is NOT comfy x.x ] which is a good sign. I'm sore, but I'm not like I have to go home and do nothing all night cause I feel like death lol

My next goal is the elliptical/stairmaster thingy. I don't have the rhythm for it yet, but another week or so I should be able to start using it.

I've been less depressed. but still sometimes I get really bad...

I'll write again later. sometime. maybe.

You're fearfully and wonderfully made ♥

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

I've felt like this a lot. Constantly only seeing what I do wrong, where I'm lacking. Sometimes I find it impossible to see anything good about myself. But that's not all the time. I'm a much better parent than my mother ever was, I'm a good friend, almost always there for people, helpful, kind, caring, sweet [at times], and not unattractive, even being a larger sized woman.

You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything

This evening was lovely. We played with the little one, he had a lot of fun stacking and smashing down blocks ♥ After he went to bed, I sat and relaxed with the boyfriend. Then I went to the gym with my mom, sister and aunt. I did 22 minutes of cardio on the bike, then 5 mins of cooldown on the treadmill. After that I did 75 reps on the ab/situp/ish machine, 20 reps on 2 different arm machines, and 25 leg presses.

All in all, I feel pretty good. the excersizing made me feel pretty nice. sore, but nice. I was smiling incessantly while singing this song on the short drive home.

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else

I feel this way a lot, but listening to skillet [imperfection, if anyone is interested in finding the song] made me feel really good about myself. I may not be exactly what I want, but I'm working on it. all of it, not just the physical, but the mental/emotional as well.


Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

I'm working on it, darling. I love you. ♥ ♥ and to my friends, I am truly grateful for most of you. You love me in spite of myself =P

You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

I search for the one who bleeds like me

God I love trapt. but this song got me thinking today.

I search for the one who bleeds like me

I love this concept. but it's such bullshit. I do NOT want someone who is borderline, who is as crazy and fucked up and broken as me. because I have nothing to offer, so neither would they. All I do right is be a parent. and sometimes I worry I can't even do that. My best friend is pretty fucked up. but I would never want to be with him BECAUSE of that. I love him to death, but I would never want a relationship with him.

Is it really that important that I settle down
Does it really even matter that I have my doubts

This is the feeling I get everytime I get that "run" urge. which, sitting here next to him, I want to just tell him it's over. I can't do it anymore. I'm not happy.
but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to protect myself, I guess. and I am happy, at times. this is just not one of those moments. I have to cook dinner still, and go to the gym [I owe myself a stab in the face, but I'll write a rain check] and I've only had like, 1200-1300 calories today [counting dinner preemptively.] Making grilled chicken, steamed veggies and mac and cheese. o.O


I forget to dream in color
I am better off alone

I feel very lonely. I'm not even writing this to anyone. because no one cares. not in real life, and not on the fucking web. It's depressing. and most of my real life friends have no idea how effed up I am. >.< nor do I really want them to. because they couldnt handle it. and then I'd be alone. But I need to cook dinner and get ready to go to the gym. I'll write more later. btw, Psych of Personality exam today, pretty sure I got a B. now to prepare to be swamped with 5 frickin classes in Summer Quarter. lol

My addictions have no boundaries
Now I'm crying out for more

Manipulation?

I'm pretty good at reading people. I know what responses with bring us closer, what will push us farther apart. I know how to get someone to open up, I know how to make them withdraw from me.

Is that manipulation? Is that wrong? Or is hypersensitivity a good thing, a way to make me feel like I can still connect to people?

I've been feeling very alone and distant.

We had sex last night, and I got into it [for the first time in ages]. But today he's been mean to me. My son has been fussing and I feel like I'm going to 'splode. What do nons do when they feel all rage-y? I'm just trying not to take it out on him again. there's only so much someone can take before they're done. And this rage-y feeling happens too often, and then comes the depression. I hope I feel better later

Fail.

So today I decided, I'll go to the gym. figured I'd get Avery woken up, fed, and then we'd get showered and go. It's now 7:30. I was planning on leaving at 7, since the daycare is only until 8pm. fucking FAIL. I am now sitting here, rewatching season 1 of Weeds. I should at least do some housework. I just feel so fucking useless. I WILL go to the gym tomorrow before my psych final at 1230. Or I'll stab myself in the face.

I also had a weird dream last night, involving rape and pudding. I have no FUCKING idea x.x

I gotta try to get motivated into cleaning.

Do all borderlines have such troubles letting go when it comes to losing a loved one? 4 years and I still break down and cry for him. but sometimes... I wonder if I'm crying for him as much as I'm already breaking down, and then I think of him... Regardless... I miss him, I want him to be proud of me... but the truth is, he'd probably hate who I really am. and cue the tears.

Later...

today, pt 2

so I'm planning a semi-large event. It's a party, at a local hotspot. I sent the invitations out via facebook. Almost immediately [within a day] a "friend" declined. no apology, nothing. this from the friend who only seems to talk to me as a last resort.

I know, I know, you're thinking it's just paranoia. But it's not. This person is only my friend because of a mutual acquaintance. And they complain, and they whine, and I get so sick of it. but I put up with it, and I sympathize. Because I'm a good friend. something some of my friends should remember. There are other friends, friends that are much better than I deserve.
but it's difficult to maintain a bond, a relationship with some of my friends, because there is little human contact. Most of it is txt/facebook/etc. So I either play my friends up to to be much much better than they are [not to say they arent great, but I ignore any flaws] or I judge, put down, dwell on all the things they don't do for me.

Ugh. life sucks.

On the positive side, tonight is leftovers. maybe I'll make some mashed potatoes, but nothing else. Which only leaves me the crippling amount of housework that I'm severely backed up on. Because I'm lazy, and useless, and Mary Louise Parker is just too goddamn intriguing.

Now I get to despond over not being married, not having a dog, or money, or a job, or the feeling of being loved or needed.

Today started pretty nice. but now... notsomuch. We'll see how things are when he gets home.

Yesterday/Today

Yesterday was pretty nice. but weird at the same time.

So I made pot roast for dinner... He got home from work, with orchids. "what are these for?"

"cause I'm a douche"

I ♥ that man.

Avery napped without a sippy, yesterday and today. pretty soon he'll go to bed without a sippy. Had a good morning with the boyfriend.

Last night, smoked with my sister, that stuff was WAY stronger than I was expecting. x.x I was shaking on the way home. then I started my period, lovely. and then I passed out for 9 blissful hours of no waking up with nightmares.

Today was pretty nice, sofar. I'll write more later.

Last night.

So after the fight, we both cooled off. him quicker than I, but it's easier to calm down for normal people when they realize it's their fault.

So we stay up, watching TV and the like til about 3-330. then we go to bed.
As we're laying in bed I turn it into a discusson that lasts til about 6am.
We covered a wide range of things, from why he can't commit to me, how he never communicates verbally, how I feel, etc. though my memory is a bit foggy, it seems like we talked mainly about things I wanted to discuss, which meant me [and my BPD] weren't mentioned somuch.

He hates how I compare myself to his exwife, because he cant stand her. She didn't want to have a 'bastard' child, so they got married. I never got that. I didn't want MY child to be a bastard either. it just isn't how I was raised. but nope, he doesn't love me enough. those are my feelings on it. He says its because he was a different person then. But I think he just doesn't want to be married. period.

He can't commit to me because he thinks it will lead to divorce. WTF. he says that marriage doesnt change things, that we should already BE that committed. He decided to tell me how little he cares for marriage, how little meaning it has for him. That made me sick, the way he was talking about it. He says he feels like we're already married. Though, I tried to explain to him. he has NO commitment shown toward me. We arent even engaged, because every time I said anything to do with marriage it got me yelled at.

I cheated on him last year. we broke up for a short time before we got back together. He says he trusts me now more than he's ever trusted me. even before I did what I did. but yet, he can't marry me. he knows I'd leave him before I'd do anything like that again.

I UNDERSTAND it's my fault, I screwed it up. ME. HOWEVER, I don't think I should wait around in limbo forever awaiting his commitment. Sometimes I feel like he would be better off if I left. He thinks I will leave, and thats part of his hesitation. But I know that it's really because he wants the easy way out, the cheaper way, when he decides to leave. that's not entirely how I feel, but that is an overwhelming sensation >.<

back to my point, we had a deep discussion, almost no raised voices, and it was a mixed blessing. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it... later, boys and girls

Fight. [fuck]

So today was a pretty good day. was being the operative term here.

Boyfriend mowed the lawn [front and back, the back yard is a bit big] So afterward, we're sitting in the living room talking about the backyard. He had previously wanted a wooden pirate ship for the backyard, a playplace for the boys. So I mentioned that, which he just says [a little sulkily] that the place doesnt have it anymore.

I told him "they make them there, I'm sure they'd make another one. not this summer or next, but the one after we can get it"

So then we're talking about this patch in the back left of the yard. they aren't weeds, like he says, but a leafy ground cover that was put there because of the tree roots in that area. He gets mad as I try to explain this. Offhandedly I mention I wish the 2 decrepit apts next to use would get torn down, then maybe we could buy the property or something, I think we could get a mortgage for it. he gets very upset, interrupting me,

him: "no, we cant. my credit is shit"
me: "did I say today, tomorrow, even 2 years from now? I mean like 5-10 yrs from now." [I say this calmly]
him [yelling]: How could we afford it? I'll still be in school!
me: I'll be done with school though, we could use my credit, it's better than yours anyway
him: with your masters degree? no you wont
[I'm already a year into school]
me: "Im halfway to my associates, if i choose to get it. then I'll get my bachelors 2 yrs later. one year after Ill have my masters. whats that? 2014. so theres an extra year there, before we hit the 5-10 yr mark.

we start arguing, because this all started over me mentioning something related to the house. he likes talking about fixing up the house all the time. his plans can be somewhat grandiose at times, but I put up with it. but as soon as i mention something, he attacks me.

the argument is a bit of a blur, but my voice is hoarse and we argued in front of our child. which KILLS me. luckily he thought we were playing or something, he laughed.
snippets:
him: [arguing] STOP [arguing] STOP [to keep me from interrupting I suppose]
me: you sound like a telegraph, bitchbitchbitch stop. [I couldnt help it, I laughed at him x.x]
him: I'm sick of this shit
me: I'm sick of YOU!

Now I'm furious, chainsmoking, with a headache and I just want to take the car and GO. anywhere, as long as its away from him.

He doesn't care. And I'm sick of him pretending like he does. I'm sick of playing housewife when I am only a girlfriend. He can marry someone he didn't truly love because she nagged him into it. but he cant marry me even when he says he loves me? LYING DICK.

I won't wait forever. this is why I called off the engagement, because I couldnt even MENTION the word wedding. if we aren't moving forward there is no point to me being here. He loves me enough to FUCK me. and for me to be the mother of our CHILD. but he doesn't want me to be his WIFE.

I'll be back when I cool off...

No one knows, but everyone knows.

I am a 21 yr old borderline, mother to a 2 yr old, college student, former glorified girlfriend, unemployed, future librarian and/or psychology adjuct teacher. Nobody who matters professionally knows I'm borderline. I haven't kept it as much a secret from my friends, but they don't know [or care to know] the extent to which it controls me at times.

I have not sought professional help, nor do I think I will... I know I need it, but I don't even know how I would begin to try...

thats all for now.