tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71910524536503678492023-11-15T10:12:59.893-05:00UndercoverBorderlineThe daily like of a borderline angel; who hides in plain sight.
Love or hate, this is me.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-67753244394408856412010-12-18T20:39:00.001-05:002010-12-18T20:40:27.512-05:00ouch.I hurt so bad right now. I really need to blog, but I can't right now. later tonightUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-77531906633022236192010-12-03T02:18:00.002-05:002010-12-03T02:26:23.609-05:00There deserves to be a much longer post.But I stayed up too late playing WoW. only my 2nd night, lvl 13, and I'm slowing becoming addicted. I only really started because of EC, but it's not terrible. I kinda like it.<br /><br />This week hasn't been too eventful, but I'll elaborate on that later.<br /><br />Tonight: we got outta work, and he asked for a cigarette. for an excuse? or because he's gonna start smoking again? so I told him he should stick around and smoke it with me. We go to my car, and I drive him to his. We sit in my car for about 30 mins, talking. sex is mentioned, and I said I wouldn't mind some more of that. he jokes "well go out to the bar, theres plenty of willing participants"<br />I reply "I'm picky"<br />EC "obviously not"<br />me "why not?"<br />*gestures to himself*<br />I list the fact he's attractive *he says lie* smart *barely* funny *sometimes* sweet *im a douche* and even has a job *barely* I jab holes in all of this, and tell him I think he's adorable. Because that boy is amazing. and attractive, inside and out. no splitting white here, either.<br /><br />I get out to give him a hug. I give him a couple kisses on the cheek/neck, but he wouldn't let me kiss him on those soft gorgeous lips of his. I asked why not, somewhat petulantly, and he said "I like to be in control" this is very true, and I enjoy every moment of it. so I let him leave without a kiss.<br /><br />will catch up on blogs tomorrow, I promise [before wow, lol]<br /><br />gnite! hope all is well with you all<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-67556338799917412132010-11-29T02:46:00.002-05:002010-11-29T03:19:00.515-05:00With a night like that, the rest of my life may be a little disappointing.Saturday Night. Date with EC. one of the most amazing people I've met. God I ♥ that boy.<br /><br />So he picked me up at 9, we had reservations for 930 at this semi hipster semi classy asian joint. got there a little early and talked a few while I smoked a cigarette. Then we went inside, and were seated. got some steamed edamame to snack on, and talked while we ate those. He got gen tsos, and I got mango chicken. he tried the mango chicken and liked it but didn't love it. Though he snagged a couple pieces during the meal, lol. We talked and joked and had a pretty nice time.<br /><br />Then we left close to 11, and started heading up toward my place. I hand my hand on his leg as he drove, and he put his arm down, so I went to move my hand, he pulled it back and linked his arm in mine. ♥<br /><br />We were in the middle of having a decent discussion when I pointed at the exit near my house. He said "you did not just point to that exit." I was like, well we were talking I thought you might have been distracted. Him "you must want to lose that hand" I laughed and put my hand in my lap and said "fine, I won't move my hand. well, maybe a little."<br /><br />He takes another freeway to an exit near my house, but drives to the mall thats near there instead, and said he wanted to see the christmas lights. So we walked around and talked [mostly him] for almost an hr. We got back to the car and drove to my house.<br /><br />We park a few spaces over from my front door, cause there wasn't any parking in front. we sat there and talked, and smoked a couple cigs. then we started to make out/fool around, and that was a lot of fun. and he is just so sweet I can't stand it. he kinda leaned me forward and checked to make sure he hadn't bruised me on sunday.<br /><br />All in all, it was way better than I expected, and I was pretty sure it was gonna be a good night.<br /><br />Today was pretty good. AV is at my mothers, and I didn't wake up til 2pm, so I didn't even see the ex til like 11 tonight. EM came over with his kiddo and that was awesome. that kid is a completely different person, he used to be so withdrawn/reserved it really worried me. But now he is this outgoing sunny kid who seems very happy. I txtd EC sporadically, I wish I could spend more time with him. When I have my own place, I'm so dragging him over lol<br /><br />Hope everyone is doing well, I shouldn't be tired but I am. So I will get off here. EC may give me a ride home tomorrow ♥ I hope so, lol. I'd much rather sit in the car with him than my stupid ex, lol.<br /><br />God I dig that boy ♥UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-46143522197972598182010-11-28T18:16:00.001-05:002010-11-28T18:18:21.978-05:00Last night.was amazing. I'm hanging out with a buddy, and his kiddo. But I will post later detailing everything. /sigh. such a wonderful night<br /><br /><br />God I ♥ that boy. >.>UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-9160301616805129712010-11-26T23:02:00.002-05:002010-11-26T23:42:01.711-05:00The irony doesn't escape meThat the name I use on here is very similar to my crazy aunt's nickname. [though she went by dee dee].<br /><br />That boy and I today at work, we beat each other silly. Flicking each other and shtuff, and I swear it was like when you like someone in middle school lmao. or elementary. I'm sore.<br /><br />Big date tomorrow! big for me, at least. I invited him out to a lovely asian restaurant, a classy joint. I told him it was a date. I'm excited. Though. dammit. I never did make reservations. I'll try in the morning. I want a late one, like 9 or 930 though. What the eff will I wear? I've gotten fat. I'm easily a size 22 still, my size 20 jeans fit if I don't button them. and they button, but it only shows my stomach fat more so. x.x Maybe if I find a dress on sale tomorrow. but most likely I'll just spend hours sifting through my ill fitting wardrobe. I just need to lose weight to fit back into the clothes I used to fit so, decently at least. I'm at a disgusting size. I want to be a 16, without the huge tummy. x.x then a 12. maybe I'll be happy w myself at a 12.<br /><br />I need to sleep. but I have grocery shopping I'm currently dreading. LMAO.<br /><br />I wanna dye my hair bright purple. I even bought the dye. but now I'm concerned he may not like it. because it's "scene" apparently. o.O And when I showed a friend today, he just said "it's very drastic" I didn't tell anyone else cause it's supposed to be a surprise monday lol. But I don't want to look bad. My darling guessed purple, and I had to play it off like no. >.><br /><br />Ack. I need to go shopping. I know I didn't talk about much. but I didn't do much aside from what I mentioned. lol<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-53309472425578934972010-11-26T01:44:00.002-05:002010-11-26T01:58:26.150-05:00Thanksgiving, what is there to be thankful for?<span style="font-style: italic;">Note: I almost didn't post today, though technically it's no longer thursday. but I left my laptop at home and no one would let me use theirs. either way, I decided to blog tonight since tomorrow will be so busy.</span><br /><br />A lot, actually. I'm getting to see my dad for the first time in months, I saw my sisters and mom for the first time in 2 months. I have a wonderful son who just turned two. My ex and I are getting along, I have a job I don't abhor, and a guy that confuses me but also makes me feel amazing. ♥ So life isn't so bad.<br /><br />This afternoon I got really down/depressed though. There wasn't anything actually going on at the time, my son was being cranky, and I was just feeling awful. But my family all arrived, and I cheered up, and had a decent night ♥<br /><br />This guy I knew in church, years ago. had a huge crush on him, but he barely knew I existed. His soon to be ex is being psychotic, and he's been talking to me more lately. He called me sweetie a few times last night and he has called me 3 nights in a row. But I don't think he likes me, and besides, he lives in another state. Besides, I wouldn't want him to like me. Not after meeting Him. ♥ this confusing friend of mine I've posted about so much. Who makes me feel kinda crazy [in a not totally bad way, sometimes lol]<br /><br />Who I have a date with saturday night. ♥ Granted, I asked him out. But I made it known it was a real date. and it's at a nice restaurant. which I love this restaurant, and he's never been. so I really hope he likes it.<br /><br />I'm exhausted though, and have to work at 8am. I love you guys, and I will try to update tomorrow night when I finally get home =]<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-15516213191201025322010-11-25T01:49:00.002-05:002010-11-25T01:49:52.468-05:00I was goingto post tonight, but I'm too goddamn tired. I'll do it tomorrow, since I won't be up to much lol<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-88000938027996246532010-11-15T02:33:00.004-05:002010-11-22T00:35:48.790-05:00Catching up this past few days.I haven't been posting in a few days; so I'll try to catch things up::<br /><br />Sunday, he wasn't able to come over for dinner. He had to spend time with his dad. that's fine, no problem. He txts me later that evening asking how I'm doing, I was having an off day, my heart hurt, etc. I told him this and he called me. We were on the phone for like 20mins, he mentions 'well you better cheer up soon' I asked why he said just because. He was driving but I didn't think much of it. I hear a knock at the door and he hangs up when I tell him to hang on.<br />He was at my goddamn door. ♥<br />We sat and played Fable 3 and talked and kissed a little...<br /><br />because of the t/m thing i asked if we were different than that.<br />he doesnt see himself dating. worried he'd be going through the motions. no problem with calling someone his gf, or other ppl calling someone his gf. would maybe not tell me if he had sex w someone and it was deff a one time thing.<br /><br />Cuddled and played fable 3 all night. was affectionate. popped a couple of my zits. didnt seem to mind my not so smooth legs.<br /><br />kissed. he kissed my head. held me so i wouldn't freeze outside. gave me his cigs at the end of the night. glanced at me a few times. giggled with me over my fuzzy legs.<br /><br />I fucking love this boy.<br /><br />That was sunday. I don't love him but I sure can feel the want to there. I'm so good at seeing the possibilities I get a little blinded by reality. ugh.<br /><br />The week was sorta uneventful. a friend freaked me out friday, we were hanging out and he mentioned dating around. I told him that's not my thing, I tend to fixate on liking one person at a time. he says "I understand, I'm fixated on you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you in 2 weeks" creepy right? esp since that friend is supposed to be happily engaged. and I know his fiance wouldn't believe me. and I'd lose them as friends. so I didn't know what to do. and he was already holding me cause I was cold, but then he hugged me and pressed his lips to my head. It was the perfect response.<br /><br />But it hurts. It hurts because I want him to want to date me, I want him to like me. I want him to be mine. And I'm afraid my jealousy will get in the way before that happens.<br /><br />I really care about this guy. I hate that he cuddles with his female roommate [though he would stop if he was dating someone] I want him to cuddle ME every night. goddamnit I just want him. and it hurts.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-74528090216488521232010-11-14T14:18:00.002-05:002010-11-14T15:11:14.924-05:00Structure and DisappointmentDisappointment.<br /><br />So my darling friend that I dig so much isn't coming over today. He's apparently going to spend time with his dad and go out to eat with him. He was so apologetic, and was like "you, you haven't started dinner yet, have you?" I almost wanted to say I had to see what he would do. but I don't wanna lie to him. If anything I would have lied if I had started it and didn't want him to feel bad about it.<br /><br />I'm not mad, or really that upset. just kind of bummed because I was really looking forward to some time with him this weekend. >.> god I dig that boy. youngin though he is [a whole month younger- I must be robbing the cradle lol]<br /><br />Structure.<br /><br />This blog is a mess. disorganized jumble of impulsivity. I don't think before I post, I don't post certain things at certain times, etc. I feel like this inhibits me from having readers. o.O I want to change this I thinkUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-85372728493500039012010-11-13T20:16:00.002-05:002010-11-13T20:21:20.681-05:00impulsivity.So my dad sent me $50 today, with the note "dinner's on me tonight, love dad"<br /><br />he's pretty awesome.<br /><br />So I'm sitting at home, and what do I decide to do? order 2 pairs of jeans [that will probably be too small, or at least super tight] and spend nearly $70 on it. >.< but I don't regret it that much. I need new clothes, and I didn't want to buy a size I wont be in long. and if I have to go easy on the smoking, so be it. I'll figure out all the finances. But I'm the only one really bringing in substantial income, and I wanted to buy myself something. I think I deserved it.<br /><br />Plus, I can't help but think of when these jeans that are deff gonna be too tight, end up being too loose. ♥<br />I do better losing weight when I have a tangible goal like that. and this time, I won't throw up to get down to a 14 x.x<br /><br />Time for yoga!UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-9253402694191941902010-11-13T14:22:00.003-05:002010-11-13T15:24:39.508-05:00What or who am I?Trying to find a psychologist is exhausting, emotionally.<br /><br />I had my hopes up, only to be shot down from the guy. Once I mentioned BPD, he immediately started trying to shuffle me onto other people, vaguely, not even being helpful. I almost cried. Then I got to go back to work for 3.5 hrs.<br /><br />My friend is amazing. yesterday I went to give someone a lighter back, she said i could keep it, so I'm walking toward the exit to leave work; when I bumped into him and his friend. His friend wandered off immediately, and I said bye and stood there awkwardly for a second, because it seemed he wanted to say something.<br />Something like this, though it's chopped a little cause I don't remember it perfectly clear.<br />"have a good evening, and weekend"<br />"you too. wait, you're coming over sunday still, right?"<br />"noooo, [joking]. of course"<br />"awesome."<br /><br />then he gave me a kiss on the lips, right there at work. pretty sure no one saw, but the fact that he did it where someone could have seen. well. damn that boy. ♥ I was smiling and so giddy upon walking outta work. =D He called me later, and we were talking and I mentioned I was having an amazing night. and he said "and we both know why that is" "you practically skipped out of there"<br /><br />God damn I can't wait to date this boy. ♥<br /><br />Yoga, Pilates, and whatever else. eating better is a given.<br />I need these. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm aiming for a size 16 right now. that's 2-3 sizes smaller. When I hit that point, we will see where I go from there. I am not defeatist about this. I can do this. I've been a size 24, and dropped all the way to a 14. I CAN do this. ♥<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-7741708805977116182010-11-10T01:54:00.002-05:002010-11-10T02:44:47.216-05:00I wil never be silent.A couple of the BPs I read have gone away. It's sad, because I like to see how others cope with it.<br /><br />But it also reminds me, that I will never be silenced. maybe I'm a coward, for not posting who I am to the world, but if I did, I would never be so honest.<br /><br />My voice is disguised but strong. And if that's the way I have to deal, then so be it.<br /><br />Any columbus BPs know anything about Dr J Scott Craig? he takes both Caresource and the insurance I'm going to be on come January. Has anyone been there or know anyone who has?<br /><br />Either way. Dr time soon. I need to do this, for me. I had this planned before I even broke it off w the fiance.<br /><br />My friend and I had a date tonight, sorta. We talked, and he mentioned [not that he thinks it would happen with us] but his history speaks for him, he is drawn to broken people. And when they get fixed/fix themselves, they leave him. I don't want to do that. I won't do that. If we date, great. If we get serious, I will make him happier than the bitch that broke him.<br /><br />Which is why I told him tonight.<br /><br />That I don't want to date him. And he understood completely, that I meant not yet, because I don't want him to be a rebound, some casual affair, some mistake. I want him to be something meaningful. though he already means more to me than he should.<br /><br />I know I won't be fixed. I know I will always be a little broken. maybe that is a little comforting to him. even if he doesn't quite realize what BPD entails. I'm hoping to keep the crazy to a minimum.<br /><br />He called me codependent, and I said I was fiercely independent. Then he told me last night, that when he's really in a relationship, he is really invested to that point, he is very co-dependent. he needs attention, wants to be the most important person in my life, share our lives in every aspect. he thought I had a negative expression on my face, but I told him I was just trying not to smile. because I've never dated someone like that. And I'm a bit like that myself.<br /><br />I don't love him. but I can imagine how it would be, so vividly. And it doesn't seem bad at all.<br /><br />♥deeUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-83676907202230239502010-11-09T01:19:00.002-05:002010-11-09T02:47:28.443-05:00It is what it is. o.OI know I'm not in love, but it could be so easy.<br /><br />we talked tonight. He brought up an example of how Freud is not a nut, because I am a lot like his mom. lol.<br /><br />He mentioned something about how I'm always a rock for other people even when I just want someone to be mine. I asked him to clarify. He said do you want a real example or a general one. I said I preferred real; he brought up my darling dead boyfriend. How during that time, he guesses I was a rock for everyone else, when in NO way should that have been asked of me. And it's true. which is probably why I ended up in the hospital 6 months later. He's very smart, and sweet, and amazing.<br /><br />I tried to explain something he said about me [that he got right on the mark, he has a scary way of knowing me already] and he said<span style="font-style: italic;"> no. it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change things.</span><br /><br />I said, "<span style="font-style: italic;">you mean it just is what it is</span>"<br /><br />him: <span style="font-style: italic;">exactly.</span><br /><br />I don't care if I'm just splitting him white right now. It feels nice.<br /><br />I awkwardly asked him on a date. sorta. not really. lol<br /><br />I asked if he wanted to talk more tomorrow evening, because we both enjoy our conversations.<br />I said, <span style="font-style: italic;">maybe you could drive me home? </span><br />he asked if I didn't have a way home,<br />I told him <span style="font-style: italic;">no, my ex needed the car, and I was gonna ask a different friend, but I enjoy our talks more</span> lol.<br />He said yes,<br />and I said, <span style="font-style: italic;">you wanna grab dinner tomorrow? my treat. </span><br />He asked if he could pick where I said sure. ♥<br /><br />Is that a date? or just thanking a friend that I've fucked before for the ride home?<br /><br />I brought up us sleeping together days ago. we did it once, and I wanted at least that from him. Cause I kinda dig him. and I brought it up outright, "<span style="font-style: italic;">__ said I should just say, this was fun, we should do it again sometime. But I'm just not that smooth</span>" lol.<br /><br />And he said <span style="font-style: italic;">fuck buddies is a bad thing usually, cause someone always ends up developing feelings and the other doesnt. and we aren't fuck buddies.</span><br />So I asked<span style="font-style: italic;"> what are we? </span><br />And he said<span style="font-style: italic;"> I dunno. but something.</span><br /><br />And I know this whole sleeping together thing doesn't mean nothing. He really seems to enjoy spending time with me. and he's only slept w 3 people, so I don't think this is a flippant thing. And my friend says he deff sees something there from him for me. Like in the way he looks/acts around me. ♥<br /><br />I am going to bed thouugh. Long day, and I gotta get whored up for tomorrow. XDUndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-79168749432212812832010-11-08T01:45:00.002-05:002010-11-08T02:31:14.478-05:00I just have to get this out.I'm very dependent on this blog right this moment.<br /><br />I know I mentioned this before, but I showed him my crazy last night. I thought I had mentioned my stay in the mental hospital, but I don't think he remembers. I'll tell him that part later. I told him there was something else I'd tell him later.<br /><br />I dropped the words. I used the term Borderline Personality Disorder. this early in a relationship, that's probably not a good idea. especially since we aren't technically dating, nor will we for awhile. I told him i would be seeing a shrink on a regular basis soon. He asked to know what medications I'll be put on. He gets a little frustrated that I don't believe him when it comes to positive things about me. So I'm going to take him at face value. He's so sweet, and genuine. I don't think he's setting out to hurt me. That and we wont be thinking of dating exclsively or anything anytime soon.<br /><br />The ex is getting title XX and bumping back up to full time. I am moving in December. I can not wait. He thought he walked in on a date tonight. we were just hanging out. but a date would have been nice too. ♥ we shall see how things go. We cuddled on the couch, played madden, and watched comedy shtuffs. It was nice.<br /><br />I am finding a psych asap. I need medication, and I need to get DBT or some such. I need to do this, before there is an US.<br /><br />Going to bed though, gotta working in the AM ♥UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-86506038094690176302010-11-07T16:09:00.002-05:002010-11-07T17:27:29.940-05:00Jumping to conclusionsI feel so much better than I did this morning. if you read through I already start to feel better but... this is good.<br /><br />I love my life. right now. exactly as it is.<br /><br />My mistake wasn't so bad. He's still around.<br /><br />For whatever this is, he hasn't disappeared.<br /><br />that's something, at least.<br /><br />He even said this afternoon:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"I had a lot of fun as well crazy included. I really like that we can talk and we both know so completely what the other means when we say things"</span><br /><br />OMG! ♥♥♥ That's wonderful. I was determined to be happy no matter what. but how can I not be when I hear something like that? =^.^=<br /><br />I need to be careful to not actually fall for this boy. He could be trouble.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-7515378352387022132010-11-07T12:01:00.003-05:002010-11-09T01:16:04.860-05:00I can't think of a post to cover my self-rageOh fucking christ.<br /><br />Oh FUCKING christ.<br /><br />WHY? what the fuck was wrong with me?<br /><br />I was drunker than I ever thought possible, that's what.<br /><br />And I sincerely hope I don't burn a bridge because of it.<br /><br />He is a wonderful lovely man that I showed all my crazy too last night.<br /><br />FUCK.<br /><br />And I dropped the L word. I know I didn't mean it, not in that way and not completely.<br /><br />But I do care, a lot.<br /><br />And we cuddled.<br /><br />A lot.<br /><br />And talked<br /><br />And he took me to Waffle House to sober me up.<br /><br />Which apparently he also did cause he likes spending time alone with me.<br /><br />Loverly.<br /><br />Maybe we'll go on a date sometime.<br /><br />Or maybe he'll run once he wakes up today.<br /><br />But he stayed long enough last night; and that means a great deal.<br /><br />Right?<br /><br />Oh he's so broken, but I wouldn't begin to understand someone who's not.<br /><br />Why is it that everyone has that one person that has absolutely destroyed them?<br /><br />I want to kick her, and I don't even know her.<br /><br />You fucked up girl, and you missed out hxc.<br /><br />But how could someone hurt that dear boy?<br /><br />I don't want to, but I did last night a bit I know.<br /><br />He was shaking, heart trying to burst through his chest.<br /><br />Because I said I love you.<br /><br />He was so angry, though he kept it bottled up at the time.<br /><br />And we fooled around. Which is what we do.<br /><br />I'm so hung over now.<br /><br />And I can't wait for him to wake up.<br /><br />♥UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-88445778635173870892010-11-03T02:10:00.002-04:002010-11-03T02:16:01.157-04:00I'm a statue baby, knock me out.music has, as always, been my drug. and maybe that's why I'm so calm. or maybe I'm just so disassociated from this part of my life.<br /><br />I am no longer with my fiance. we fight too goddamn much, and in front of the kiddo. and I just can't be ok with that. He's been getting farther from enabling and closer to reflecting my borderline raging. And that kills me.<br /><br />The entire discussion, I was severely disassociated. which worked, because it was the calmest, scary almost how well it went. it was mutual, even. we still love each other, but we are hurting each other. So we ended it, before there could be resentment. we smiled and played videogames after. It was weird.<br /><br />So is the thought of being single. oh god.<br /><br />But I'm ok. really. I think I'll be fine.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-11251868190611577162010-10-31T21:59:00.004-04:002010-11-01T02:16:12.379-04:00tears dont fall, they crash around me.I'm manic<br /><br />ish.<br /><br />can one be manic and empty at once?<br /><br />I wish my life was different.<br /><br />I hate him.<br /><br />I'm falling behind in school.<br /><br />I made a mistake.<br /><br />Or maybe I did something right for once.<br /><br />What dictates a mistake?<br /><br />I feel bad, I dont, there's no way to distinguish whether it was right or wrong.<br /><br />I needed someone today; but all my friends were busy.<br /><br />I've been fighting to goddamned much lately.<br /><br />My friends last night made me want to kick them.<br /><br />My friends from friday made we want to run.<br /><br />I've been miserable most of today; and 1/4-1/3 of yesterday.<br /><br />There's something I think can help; but I don't put any faith in things anymore.<br /><br />He would understand, maybe, I think. or he would condemn me.<br /><br />I keep trying not to cry over it.<br /><br />I can't bring myself to speak the words.<br /><br />Words have power. I can't give this any more than it has.<br /><br />I just want to cut away at myself until I'm skinny [therefore pretty]<br /><br />Just because someone says I'm cute; it doesn't mean shit. whether its a stranger; best friend; or husband. I know better.<br /><br />I really fucking want to escape.<br /><br />I couldn't, even if I REALLY wanted to.<br /><br />Can I lose everything and still be myself? do I have an identity, or do I become the way people want me to be? am I just a puppet for the masses?<br /><br />Can I ever not blame myself for killing him? do I want to? does the guilt keep him closer in my heart, my memory?<br /><br />Is there anybody out there? Is anybody calling.<br /><br />Dont. my phone is broken.<br /><br />Where were you?<br /><br />I just want to be alone forever.<br /><br />but that's a lie.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-35857717769103275842010-10-20T16:23:00.002-04:002010-10-20T16:28:42.013-04:00FairFor all what, 8 of you that read this.<br /><br />I'm sorry. This page needs a real post; not just me bitching and moaning.<br /><br />Updates in life:<br />Working full time; plus school and kiddo.<br />it's really stressful especially since the fiance is only working weekends. but that's because we don't have child care and I make more money than him.<br /><br />I've yet to be medicated. Of course. because I am awful at taking care of myself. I seriously need to just set up an appt.<br /><br />The fiance and I have fought more than I am comfortable with lately.<br /><br />Some fuckhead stole my wallet. thanks a lot; cuntface.<br /><br />I've had a couple amazing nights with friends; and a decent number of amazing nights with the fiance.<br /><br />We moved.<br /><br />I need to un-retard myself from blogging; so give me time. I will also be attempting to catch up on blogs.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-65384577358088156322010-10-07T06:02:00.001-04:002010-10-07T06:03:28.727-04:00Dead,Or might as well be. seriously, I'm not sure why I even bother at times.<br /><br /><br />Going to try to sleep. maybe.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-33071692817627113252010-09-10T20:23:00.002-04:002010-09-10T21:49:24.050-04:00Well at least schools over.So had to drive down another country road late at night for work. It was awful, to be honest. luckily the second night I had a coworker follow me so she could get home okay, that kept my mind occupied. I was also focusing on the one that shattered me, rather than the one that left me. It helped, but it isnt a good method to use. I've been splitting him white lately. And it's only hurting me for it. but he's gone now. he may write me with the rest of his friends, but I'm pretty sure if I get anything it's out of boredom. To be honest, it's depressing how I'm always there for him when he needs it, but I can never talk to him >.> It's ok though. That's why I have the wonderful man I really don't deserve.<br />We're moving. I'm excited. I hate this town. I have hardly any friends here, and it's lonely. plus, even if we aren't moving far, it feels like it will be good for us. We're looking at places soon. I'm so hungry, think I'll go get food soon. I feel so stressed out >.> but it's alright. Life will be better once we do this.<br />Also, my friend has been staying with us. it's annoying as shit at this point. I usually ask him to take out the dog when he's awake, and today I think he was irate about it. probably porning it up on his furry chat. ew. he says "whens the last time you took her out?" I could have said I do it all the time when he's asleep, which is true, but instead I said "when's the last time you cleaned something?"<br />Maybe it's just me, but if you have free room and board, you should be a little grateful and do some housework. Sure he babysits here and there, but he does it lazily. not to mention we were gone with the kiddo for TWO days, and he didn't do a damn thing. yeah, I'm sick of it. So he suggests if I clean the kitchen, he'll do the dishes. I think he should do all of it, just to be thankful for the free internet and use of a computer and cable and a bed in his own room etc.<br />When we move we won't have room for him though, so he'll hafta find someone else to leech off of. I'm kinda thrilled by that. ok, more than kinda. I can't wait. ♥<br /><br />Thats all for now, I think.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-81001902224827825282010-08-30T02:50:00.003-04:002010-08-30T02:56:48.681-04:00Suicidal thoughts.This is a short post. but only because I'm exhausted, I'm not off to do anything dumb.<br /><br />So driving home tonight, I was going down a road that reminded me of the one from the accident. it was eerily similar. And I couldn't help but think of making a sharp, deliberate turn, rolling in the car over and over... It would have been so easy. Die in an accident...<br /><br />Then, as I took my sister her stupid dessert because she has a psycho ex, my mom decided she needed a treat [but I didn't get shit for my birthday? THAT'S totally fair.] I drop it off, and my mom all but says to gtfo. lovely right?<br /><br />So I felt awful tonight, for hours. and the one person I think could have made me feel better doesn't seem to care when he doesn't need something. I'm just idealizing him though. It's funny, he used to hate how I idealized O, but yet here I am putting him back on a pedestal. fuck me.<br /><br />Music seemed to simultaneously bring me up and down. It felt better, but at the same time, I'm reminded how alone I am in my interests.<br /><br />On a decent note though, I'm going to bed. mixed feelings but not as dark as driving home...<br /><br />goodnight all.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-66133247199402203392010-08-25T03:56:00.002-04:002010-08-25T03:58:05.146-04:00Oh and...I have not been neglecting this because I've lost interest. The friend who's been staying with us has been leeching my computer all day to talk on furry/rp chats. lovely, right? >.<<br /><br />Catching up on blogs in the morning, ♥ you guys =]<br /><br />That is all.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-80510706753793585232010-08-14T18:30:00.001-04:002010-08-25T03:01:39.730-04:00Rawr.so. working now. that's always fun. too bad I have to work 2 jobs. because someone has wage garnishments and I will bring in more money. applied for a credit card, only a 300$ limit but my credit will benefit from it. I'm rocking back and forth writing this, cause I'm tired lol.<br /><br />I've been talking to a friend lately. it's very nice and infuriating at the same time. on the plus side, he's almost as screwed up as I am. and he is unlikely to be swayed by my charisma. o.O Though it would probably be easy to get him to forget his morals. I don't want to be that kind of person. >.><br /><br />The one who shattered me has been on my mind lately. he got in a fight with his wife, hxc shit all over the web [retaliation for her constant posting every tiny negative thing] He even said he regretted marrying her. I never was 100% sure they'd last but I thought theyd have a few more years than this. they've only been married like 6 months >.> but he called me out in a blog. I screen shot it, which is weird but oh well. he just mentioned how he spoils her crazy and she's barely got him anything [3 things, one being broken and another being his wedding ring] in 2 years. <span style="font-style: italic;"><br />"Even my ex who I'm still friends with, dee, got me this and this and this. it's not hard to get inexpensive things off ebay or something"</span><br />My heart pittered a little. I don't love him anymore. really. But he was the world to me for a while, and I barely mattered to him at all. I just want him to wonder, to miss me, to think that he let a catch slip by. Is that stupid? >.><br />But they made up, which is great. he even changed his relationship status to 'single' beforehand. It was pretty fucking bad. But I'm glad they made up.<br /><br />God. I am not having a good week.<br /><br />On the plus side. Brand New's The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me has got to be the best album I've heard in ages, I am becoming re-addicted to it. Degausser, Jesus Christ, Untitled, Handcuffs. Just a few of the tracks I can't get out of my head.<br /><br />In other tunes, I've been listening to a lot A7X lately. Beast and the Harlot won't get outta my head, lol. Though I'm pretty sure 1/2 the lyric sites are wrong "She's a dwelling place for demons, she's a cage for every unclean spirit, every filthy burden" that's what I think it is, I keep seeing "bird" some people are retarded >.><br /><br />I miss when life was easy. I miss being alone sometimes. I'm never alone anymore. I love my family, I can tolerate my friend, but I need some goddamn alone time. grrr. I'm going to go insane without it.<br /><br />Maybe I can get a friend to go out for drinks. that would be alright, I think. drinking alone is depressing.UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7191052453650367849.post-6951803030921667352010-08-09T21:53:00.002-04:002010-08-09T22:20:00.047-04:00I can has alcohol?The kiddo is in bed, food is being made, and fiance will be home in an hour. however, I haven't done nearly enough housework, and my friend who has been staying for a few days is not even close to pulling his weight. he needs to go do the damn dishes, lol.<br />but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.<br /><br />Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"<br />I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.<br />I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?<br /><br />But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.<br /><br />You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.<br /><br />But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.<br /><br />Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.<br /><br />But anywho.<br /><br />My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.<br /><br />I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.</span><br /><br />Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.<br /><br />I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥UndercoverBorderlinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09586156020928966398noreply@blogger.com3