With a night like that, the rest of my life may be a little disappointing.

Saturday Night. Date with EC. one of the most amazing people I've met. God I ♥ that boy.

So he picked me up at 9, we had reservations for 930 at this semi hipster semi classy asian joint. got there a little early and talked a few while I smoked a cigarette. Then we went inside, and were seated. got some steamed edamame to snack on, and talked while we ate those. He got gen tsos, and I got mango chicken. he tried the mango chicken and liked it but didn't love it. Though he snagged a couple pieces during the meal, lol. We talked and joked and had a pretty nice time.

Then we left close to 11, and started heading up toward my place. I hand my hand on his leg as he drove, and he put his arm down, so I went to move my hand, he pulled it back and linked his arm in mine. ♥

We were in the middle of having a decent discussion when I pointed at the exit near my house. He said "you did not just point to that exit." I was like, well we were talking I thought you might have been distracted. Him "you must want to lose that hand" I laughed and put my hand in my lap and said "fine, I won't move my hand. well, maybe a little."

He takes another freeway to an exit near my house, but drives to the mall thats near there instead, and said he wanted to see the christmas lights. So we walked around and talked [mostly him] for almost an hr. We got back to the car and drove to my house.

We park a few spaces over from my front door, cause there wasn't any parking in front. we sat there and talked, and smoked a couple cigs. then we started to make out/fool around, and that was a lot of fun. and he is just so sweet I can't stand it. he kinda leaned me forward and checked to make sure he hadn't bruised me on sunday.

All in all, it was way better than I expected, and I was pretty sure it was gonna be a good night.

Today was pretty good. AV is at my mothers, and I didn't wake up til 2pm, so I didn't even see the ex til like 11 tonight. EM came over with his kiddo and that was awesome. that kid is a completely different person, he used to be so withdrawn/reserved it really worried me. But now he is this outgoing sunny kid who seems very happy. I txtd EC sporadically, I wish I could spend more time with him. When I have my own place, I'm so dragging him over lol

Hope everyone is doing well, I shouldn't be tired but I am. So I will get off here. EC may give me a ride home tomorrow ♥ I hope so, lol. I'd much rather sit in the car with him than my stupid ex, lol.

God I dig that boy ♥

Last night.

was amazing. I'm hanging out with a buddy, and his kiddo. But I will post later detailing everything. /sigh. such a wonderful night


God I ♥ that boy. >.>

The irony doesn't escape me

That the name I use on here is very similar to my crazy aunt's nickname. [though she went by dee dee].

That boy and I today at work, we beat each other silly. Flicking each other and shtuff, and I swear it was like when you like someone in middle school lmao. or elementary. I'm sore.

Big date tomorrow! big for me, at least. I invited him out to a lovely asian restaurant, a classy joint. I told him it was a date. I'm excited. Though. dammit. I never did make reservations. I'll try in the morning. I want a late one, like 9 or 930 though. What the eff will I wear? I've gotten fat. I'm easily a size 22 still, my size 20 jeans fit if I don't button them. and they button, but it only shows my stomach fat more so. x.x Maybe if I find a dress on sale tomorrow. but most likely I'll just spend hours sifting through my ill fitting wardrobe. I just need to lose weight to fit back into the clothes I used to fit so, decently at least. I'm at a disgusting size. I want to be a 16, without the huge tummy. x.x then a 12. maybe I'll be happy w myself at a 12.

I need to sleep. but I have grocery shopping I'm currently dreading. LMAO.

I wanna dye my hair bright purple. I even bought the dye. but now I'm concerned he may not like it. because it's "scene" apparently. o.O And when I showed a friend today, he just said "it's very drastic" I didn't tell anyone else cause it's supposed to be a surprise monday lol. But I don't want to look bad. My darling guessed purple, and I had to play it off like no. >.>

Ack. I need to go shopping. I know I didn't talk about much. but I didn't do much aside from what I mentioned. lol

♥dee

Thanksgiving, what is there to be thankful for?

Note: I almost didn't post today, though technically it's no longer thursday. but I left my laptop at home and no one would let me use theirs. either way, I decided to blog tonight since tomorrow will be so busy.

A lot, actually. I'm getting to see my dad for the first time in months, I saw my sisters and mom for the first time in 2 months. I have a wonderful son who just turned two. My ex and I are getting along, I have a job I don't abhor, and a guy that confuses me but also makes me feel amazing. ♥ So life isn't so bad.

This afternoon I got really down/depressed though. There wasn't anything actually going on at the time, my son was being cranky, and I was just feeling awful. But my family all arrived, and I cheered up, and had a decent night ♥

This guy I knew in church, years ago. had a huge crush on him, but he barely knew I existed. His soon to be ex is being psychotic, and he's been talking to me more lately. He called me sweetie a few times last night and he has called me 3 nights in a row. But I don't think he likes me, and besides, he lives in another state. Besides, I wouldn't want him to like me. Not after meeting Him. ♥ this confusing friend of mine I've posted about so much. Who makes me feel kinda crazy [in a not totally bad way, sometimes lol]

Who I have a date with saturday night. ♥ Granted, I asked him out. But I made it known it was a real date. and it's at a nice restaurant. which I love this restaurant, and he's never been. so I really hope he likes it.

I'm exhausted though, and have to work at 8am. I love you guys, and I will try to update tomorrow night when I finally get home =]

♥dee

I was going

to post tonight, but I'm too goddamn tired. I'll do it tomorrow, since I won't be up to much lol

♥dee

Catching up this past few days.

I haven't been posting in a few days; so I'll try to catch things up::

Sunday, he wasn't able to come over for dinner. He had to spend time with his dad. that's fine, no problem. He txts me later that evening asking how I'm doing, I was having an off day, my heart hurt, etc. I told him this and he called me. We were on the phone for like 20mins, he mentions 'well you better cheer up soon' I asked why he said just because. He was driving but I didn't think much of it. I hear a knock at the door and he hangs up when I tell him to hang on.
He was at my goddamn door. ♥
We sat and played Fable 3 and talked and kissed a little...

because of the t/m thing i asked if we were different than that.
he doesnt see himself dating. worried he'd be going through the motions. no problem with calling someone his gf, or other ppl calling someone his gf. would maybe not tell me if he had sex w someone and it was deff a one time thing.

Cuddled and played fable 3 all night. was affectionate. popped a couple of my zits. didnt seem to mind my not so smooth legs.

kissed. he kissed my head. held me so i wouldn't freeze outside. gave me his cigs at the end of the night. glanced at me a few times. giggled with me over my fuzzy legs.

I fucking love this boy.

That was sunday. I don't love him but I sure can feel the want to there. I'm so good at seeing the possibilities I get a little blinded by reality. ugh.

The week was sorta uneventful. a friend freaked me out friday, we were hanging out and he mentioned dating around. I told him that's not my thing, I tend to fixate on liking one person at a time. he says "I understand, I'm fixated on you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you in 2 weeks" creepy right? esp since that friend is supposed to be happily engaged. and I know his fiance wouldn't believe me. and I'd lose them as friends. so I didn't know what to do. and he was already holding me cause I was cold, but then he hugged me and pressed his lips to my head. It was the perfect response.

But it hurts. It hurts because I want him to want to date me, I want him to like me. I want him to be mine. And I'm afraid my jealousy will get in the way before that happens.

I really care about this guy. I hate that he cuddles with his female roommate [though he would stop if he was dating someone] I want him to cuddle ME every night. goddamnit I just want him. and it hurts.

Structure and Disappointment

Disappointment.

So my darling friend that I dig so much isn't coming over today. He's apparently going to spend time with his dad and go out to eat with him. He was so apologetic, and was like "you, you haven't started dinner yet, have you?" I almost wanted to say I had to see what he would do. but I don't wanna lie to him. If anything I would have lied if I had started it and didn't want him to feel bad about it.

I'm not mad, or really that upset. just kind of bummed because I was really looking forward to some time with him this weekend. >.> god I dig that boy. youngin though he is [a whole month younger- I must be robbing the cradle lol]

Structure.

This blog is a mess. disorganized jumble of impulsivity. I don't think before I post, I don't post certain things at certain times, etc. I feel like this inhibits me from having readers. o.O I want to change this I think

impulsivity.

So my dad sent me $50 today, with the note "dinner's on me tonight, love dad"

he's pretty awesome.

So I'm sitting at home, and what do I decide to do? order 2 pairs of jeans [that will probably be too small, or at least super tight] and spend nearly $70 on it. >.< but I don't regret it that much. I need new clothes, and I didn't want to buy a size I wont be in long. and if I have to go easy on the smoking, so be it. I'll figure out all the finances. But I'm the only one really bringing in substantial income, and I wanted to buy myself something. I think I deserved it.

Plus, I can't help but think of when these jeans that are deff gonna be too tight, end up being too loose. ♥
I do better losing weight when I have a tangible goal like that. and this time, I won't throw up to get down to a 14 x.x

Time for yoga!

What or who am I?

Trying to find a psychologist is exhausting, emotionally.

I had my hopes up, only to be shot down from the guy. Once I mentioned BPD, he immediately started trying to shuffle me onto other people, vaguely, not even being helpful. I almost cried. Then I got to go back to work for 3.5 hrs.

My friend is amazing. yesterday I went to give someone a lighter back, she said i could keep it, so I'm walking toward the exit to leave work; when I bumped into him and his friend. His friend wandered off immediately, and I said bye and stood there awkwardly for a second, because it seemed he wanted to say something.
Something like this, though it's chopped a little cause I don't remember it perfectly clear.
"have a good evening, and weekend"
"you too. wait, you're coming over sunday still, right?"
"noooo, [joking]. of course"
"awesome."

then he gave me a kiss on the lips, right there at work. pretty sure no one saw, but the fact that he did it where someone could have seen. well. damn that boy. ♥ I was smiling and so giddy upon walking outta work. =D He called me later, and we were talking and I mentioned I was having an amazing night. and he said "and we both know why that is" "you practically skipped out of there"

God damn I can't wait to date this boy. ♥

Yoga, Pilates, and whatever else. eating better is a given.
I need these. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm aiming for a size 16 right now. that's 2-3 sizes smaller. When I hit that point, we will see where I go from there. I am not defeatist about this. I can do this. I've been a size 24, and dropped all the way to a 14. I CAN do this. ♥

♥dee

I wil never be silent.

A couple of the BPs I read have gone away. It's sad, because I like to see how others cope with it.

But it also reminds me, that I will never be silenced. maybe I'm a coward, for not posting who I am to the world, but if I did, I would never be so honest.

My voice is disguised but strong. And if that's the way I have to deal, then so be it.

Any columbus BPs know anything about Dr J Scott Craig? he takes both Caresource and the insurance I'm going to be on come January. Has anyone been there or know anyone who has?

Either way. Dr time soon. I need to do this, for me. I had this planned before I even broke it off w the fiance.

My friend and I had a date tonight, sorta. We talked, and he mentioned [not that he thinks it would happen with us] but his history speaks for him, he is drawn to broken people. And when they get fixed/fix themselves, they leave him. I don't want to do that. I won't do that. If we date, great. If we get serious, I will make him happier than the bitch that broke him.

Which is why I told him tonight.

That I don't want to date him. And he understood completely, that I meant not yet, because I don't want him to be a rebound, some casual affair, some mistake. I want him to be something meaningful. though he already means more to me than he should.

I know I won't be fixed. I know I will always be a little broken. maybe that is a little comforting to him. even if he doesn't quite realize what BPD entails. I'm hoping to keep the crazy to a minimum.

He called me codependent, and I said I was fiercely independent. Then he told me last night, that when he's really in a relationship, he is really invested to that point, he is very co-dependent. he needs attention, wants to be the most important person in my life, share our lives in every aspect. he thought I had a negative expression on my face, but I told him I was just trying not to smile. because I've never dated someone like that. And I'm a bit like that myself.

I don't love him. but I can imagine how it would be, so vividly. And it doesn't seem bad at all.

♥dee

It is what it is. o.O

I know I'm not in love, but it could be so easy.

we talked tonight. He brought up an example of how Freud is not a nut, because I am a lot like his mom. lol.

He mentioned something about how I'm always a rock for other people even when I just want someone to be mine. I asked him to clarify. He said do you want a real example or a general one. I said I preferred real; he brought up my darling dead boyfriend. How during that time, he guesses I was a rock for everyone else, when in NO way should that have been asked of me. And it's true. which is probably why I ended up in the hospital 6 months later. He's very smart, and sweet, and amazing.

I tried to explain something he said about me [that he got right on the mark, he has a scary way of knowing me already] and he said no. it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change things.

I said, "you mean it just is what it is"

him: exactly.

I don't care if I'm just splitting him white right now. It feels nice.

I awkwardly asked him on a date. sorta. not really. lol

I asked if he wanted to talk more tomorrow evening, because we both enjoy our conversations.
I said, maybe you could drive me home?
he asked if I didn't have a way home,
I told him no, my ex needed the car, and I was gonna ask a different friend, but I enjoy our talks more lol.
He said yes,
and I said, you wanna grab dinner tomorrow? my treat.
He asked if he could pick where I said sure. ♥

Is that a date? or just thanking a friend that I've fucked before for the ride home?

I brought up us sleeping together days ago. we did it once, and I wanted at least that from him. Cause I kinda dig him. and I brought it up outright, "__ said I should just say, this was fun, we should do it again sometime. But I'm just not that smooth" lol.

And he said fuck buddies is a bad thing usually, cause someone always ends up developing feelings and the other doesnt. and we aren't fuck buddies.
So I asked what are we?
And he said I dunno. but something.

And I know this whole sleeping together thing doesn't mean nothing. He really seems to enjoy spending time with me. and he's only slept w 3 people, so I don't think this is a flippant thing. And my friend says he deff sees something there from him for me. Like in the way he looks/acts around me. ♥

I am going to bed thouugh. Long day, and I gotta get whored up for tomorrow. XD

I just have to get this out.

I'm very dependent on this blog right this moment.

I know I mentioned this before, but I showed him my crazy last night. I thought I had mentioned my stay in the mental hospital, but I don't think he remembers. I'll tell him that part later. I told him there was something else I'd tell him later.

I dropped the words. I used the term Borderline Personality Disorder. this early in a relationship, that's probably not a good idea. especially since we aren't technically dating, nor will we for awhile. I told him i would be seeing a shrink on a regular basis soon. He asked to know what medications I'll be put on. He gets a little frustrated that I don't believe him when it comes to positive things about me. So I'm going to take him at face value. He's so sweet, and genuine. I don't think he's setting out to hurt me. That and we wont be thinking of dating exclsively or anything anytime soon.

The ex is getting title XX and bumping back up to full time. I am moving in December. I can not wait. He thought he walked in on a date tonight. we were just hanging out. but a date would have been nice too. ♥ we shall see how things go. We cuddled on the couch, played madden, and watched comedy shtuffs. It was nice.

I am finding a psych asap. I need medication, and I need to get DBT or some such. I need to do this, before there is an US.

Going to bed though, gotta working in the AM ♥

Jumping to conclusions

I feel so much better than I did this morning. if you read through I already start to feel better but... this is good.

I love my life. right now. exactly as it is.

My mistake wasn't so bad. He's still around.

For whatever this is, he hasn't disappeared.

that's something, at least.

He even said this afternoon:

"I had a lot of fun as well crazy included. I really like that we can talk and we both know so completely what the other means when we say things"

OMG! ♥♥♥ That's wonderful. I was determined to be happy no matter what. but how can I not be when I hear something like that? =^.^=

I need to be careful to not actually fall for this boy. He could be trouble.

I can't think of a post to cover my self-rage

Oh fucking christ.

Oh FUCKING christ.

WHY? what the fuck was wrong with me?

I was drunker than I ever thought possible, that's what.

And I sincerely hope I don't burn a bridge because of it.

He is a wonderful lovely man that I showed all my crazy too last night.

FUCK.

And I dropped the L word. I know I didn't mean it, not in that way and not completely.

But I do care, a lot.

And we cuddled.

A lot.

And talked

And he took me to Waffle House to sober me up.

Which apparently he also did cause he likes spending time alone with me.

Loverly.

Maybe we'll go on a date sometime.

Or maybe he'll run once he wakes up today.

But he stayed long enough last night; and that means a great deal.

Right?

Oh he's so broken, but I wouldn't begin to understand someone who's not.

Why is it that everyone has that one person that has absolutely destroyed them?

I want to kick her, and I don't even know her.

You fucked up girl, and you missed out hxc.

But how could someone hurt that dear boy?

I don't want to, but I did last night a bit I know.

He was shaking, heart trying to burst through his chest.

Because I said I love you.

He was so angry, though he kept it bottled up at the time.

And we fooled around. Which is what we do.

I'm so hung over now.

And I can't wait for him to wake up.

♥

I'm a statue baby, knock me out.

music has, as always, been my drug. and maybe that's why I'm so calm. or maybe I'm just so disassociated from this part of my life.

I am no longer with my fiance. we fight too goddamn much, and in front of the kiddo. and I just can't be ok with that. He's been getting farther from enabling and closer to reflecting my borderline raging. And that kills me.

The entire discussion, I was severely disassociated. which worked, because it was the calmest, scary almost how well it went. it was mutual, even. we still love each other, but we are hurting each other. So we ended it, before there could be resentment. we smiled and played videogames after. It was weird.

So is the thought of being single. oh god.

But I'm ok. really. I think I'll be fine.