Welcome to UnderCover Borderline.

Hello, and thanks for reading. You can call me Dee. I'm a young college woman with a lot on her plate, on top of BPD.
I don't go to therapy, or take medication. I would love to, I'm positive it would be ridiculously helpful. But I have yet to find a doctor who takes my insurance, is accepting new patients, and is willing to take a BPD client. So until my luck changes, or I'm convincing enough to get a doctor to take me, I suffer.
This blog is my life, as I perceive it.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


I hurt so bad right now. I really need to blog, but I can't right now. later tonight

Friday, December 3, 2010

There deserves to be a much longer post.

But I stayed up too late playing WoW. only my 2nd night, lvl 13, and I'm slowing becoming addicted. I only really started because of EC, but it's not terrible. I kinda like it.

This week hasn't been too eventful, but I'll elaborate on that later.

Tonight: we got outta work, and he asked for a cigarette. for an excuse? or because he's gonna start smoking again? so I told him he should stick around and smoke it with me. We go to my car, and I drive him to his. We sit in my car for about 30 mins, talking. sex is mentioned, and I said I wouldn't mind some more of that. he jokes "well go out to the bar, theres plenty of willing participants"
I reply "I'm picky"
EC "obviously not"
me "why not?"
*gestures to himself*
I list the fact he's attractive *he says lie* smart *barely* funny *sometimes* sweet *im a douche* and even has a job *barely* I jab holes in all of this, and tell him I think he's adorable. Because that boy is amazing. and attractive, inside and out. no splitting white here, either.

I get out to give him a hug. I give him a couple kisses on the cheek/neck, but he wouldn't let me kiss him on those soft gorgeous lips of his. I asked why not, somewhat petulantly, and he said "I like to be in control" this is very true, and I enjoy every moment of it. so I let him leave without a kiss.

will catch up on blogs tomorrow, I promise [before wow, lol]

gnite! hope all is well with you all


Monday, November 29, 2010

With a night like that, the rest of my life may be a little disappointing.

Saturday Night. Date with EC. one of the most amazing people I've met. God I ♥ that boy.

So he picked me up at 9, we had reservations for 930 at this semi hipster semi classy asian joint. got there a little early and talked a few while I smoked a cigarette. Then we went inside, and were seated. got some steamed edamame to snack on, and talked while we ate those. He got gen tsos, and I got mango chicken. he tried the mango chicken and liked it but didn't love it. Though he snagged a couple pieces during the meal, lol. We talked and joked and had a pretty nice time.

Then we left close to 11, and started heading up toward my place. I hand my hand on his leg as he drove, and he put his arm down, so I went to move my hand, he pulled it back and linked his arm in mine. ♥

We were in the middle of having a decent discussion when I pointed at the exit near my house. He said "you did not just point to that exit." I was like, well we were talking I thought you might have been distracted. Him "you must want to lose that hand" I laughed and put my hand in my lap and said "fine, I won't move my hand. well, maybe a little."

He takes another freeway to an exit near my house, but drives to the mall thats near there instead, and said he wanted to see the christmas lights. So we walked around and talked [mostly him] for almost an hr. We got back to the car and drove to my house.

We park a few spaces over from my front door, cause there wasn't any parking in front. we sat there and talked, and smoked a couple cigs. then we started to make out/fool around, and that was a lot of fun. and he is just so sweet I can't stand it. he kinda leaned me forward and checked to make sure he hadn't bruised me on sunday.

All in all, it was way better than I expected, and I was pretty sure it was gonna be a good night.

Today was pretty good. AV is at my mothers, and I didn't wake up til 2pm, so I didn't even see the ex til like 11 tonight. EM came over with his kiddo and that was awesome. that kid is a completely different person, he used to be so withdrawn/reserved it really worried me. But now he is this outgoing sunny kid who seems very happy. I txtd EC sporadically, I wish I could spend more time with him. When I have my own place, I'm so dragging him over lol

Hope everyone is doing well, I shouldn't be tired but I am. So I will get off here. EC may give me a ride home tomorrow ♥ I hope so, lol. I'd much rather sit in the car with him than my stupid ex, lol.

God I dig that boy ♥

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Last night.

was amazing. I'm hanging out with a buddy, and his kiddo. But I will post later detailing everything. /sigh. such a wonderful night

God I ♥ that boy. >.>

Friday, November 26, 2010

The irony doesn't escape me

That the name I use on here is very similar to my crazy aunt's nickname. [though she went by dee dee].

That boy and I today at work, we beat each other silly. Flicking each other and shtuff, and I swear it was like when you like someone in middle school lmao. or elementary. I'm sore.

Big date tomorrow! big for me, at least. I invited him out to a lovely asian restaurant, a classy joint. I told him it was a date. I'm excited. Though. dammit. I never did make reservations. I'll try in the morning. I want a late one, like 9 or 930 though. What the eff will I wear? I've gotten fat. I'm easily a size 22 still, my size 20 jeans fit if I don't button them. and they button, but it only shows my stomach fat more so. x.x Maybe if I find a dress on sale tomorrow. but most likely I'll just spend hours sifting through my ill fitting wardrobe. I just need to lose weight to fit back into the clothes I used to fit so, decently at least. I'm at a disgusting size. I want to be a 16, without the huge tummy. x.x then a 12. maybe I'll be happy w myself at a 12.

I need to sleep. but I have grocery shopping I'm currently dreading. LMAO.

I wanna dye my hair bright purple. I even bought the dye. but now I'm concerned he may not like it. because it's "scene" apparently. o.O And when I showed a friend today, he just said "it's very drastic" I didn't tell anyone else cause it's supposed to be a surprise monday lol. But I don't want to look bad. My darling guessed purple, and I had to play it off like no. >.>

Ack. I need to go shopping. I know I didn't talk about much. but I didn't do much aside from what I mentioned. lol


Thanksgiving, what is there to be thankful for?

Note: I almost didn't post today, though technically it's no longer thursday. but I left my laptop at home and no one would let me use theirs. either way, I decided to blog tonight since tomorrow will be so busy.

A lot, actually. I'm getting to see my dad for the first time in months, I saw my sisters and mom for the first time in 2 months. I have a wonderful son who just turned two. My ex and I are getting along, I have a job I don't abhor, and a guy that confuses me but also makes me feel amazing. ♥ So life isn't so bad.

This afternoon I got really down/depressed though. There wasn't anything actually going on at the time, my son was being cranky, and I was just feeling awful. But my family all arrived, and I cheered up, and had a decent night ♥

This guy I knew in church, years ago. had a huge crush on him, but he barely knew I existed. His soon to be ex is being psychotic, and he's been talking to me more lately. He called me sweetie a few times last night and he has called me 3 nights in a row. But I don't think he likes me, and besides, he lives in another state. Besides, I wouldn't want him to like me. Not after meeting Him. ♥ this confusing friend of mine I've posted about so much. Who makes me feel kinda crazy [in a not totally bad way, sometimes lol]

Who I have a date with saturday night. ♥ Granted, I asked him out. But I made it known it was a real date. and it's at a nice restaurant. which I love this restaurant, and he's never been. so I really hope he likes it.

I'm exhausted though, and have to work at 8am. I love you guys, and I will try to update tomorrow night when I finally get home =]


Thursday, November 25, 2010

I was going

to post tonight, but I'm too goddamn tired. I'll do it tomorrow, since I won't be up to much lol