Suicidal thoughts.

This is a short post. but only because I'm exhausted, I'm not off to do anything dumb.

So driving home tonight, I was going down a road that reminded me of the one from the accident. it was eerily similar. And I couldn't help but think of making a sharp, deliberate turn, rolling in the car over and over... It would have been so easy. Die in an accident...

Then, as I took my sister her stupid dessert because she has a psycho ex, my mom decided she needed a treat [but I didn't get shit for my birthday? THAT'S totally fair.] I drop it off, and my mom all but says to gtfo. lovely right?

So I felt awful tonight, for hours. and the one person I think could have made me feel better doesn't seem to care when he doesn't need something. I'm just idealizing him though. It's funny, he used to hate how I idealized O, but yet here I am putting him back on a pedestal. fuck me.

Music seemed to simultaneously bring me up and down. It felt better, but at the same time, I'm reminded how alone I am in my interests.

On a decent note though, I'm going to bed. mixed feelings but not as dark as driving home...

goodnight all.