Last night.

So after the fight, we both cooled off. him quicker than I, but it's easier to calm down for normal people when they realize it's their fault.

So we stay up, watching TV and the like til about 3-330. then we go to bed.
As we're laying in bed I turn it into a discusson that lasts til about 6am.
We covered a wide range of things, from why he can't commit to me, how he never communicates verbally, how I feel, etc. though my memory is a bit foggy, it seems like we talked mainly about things I wanted to discuss, which meant me [and my BPD] weren't mentioned somuch.

He hates how I compare myself to his exwife, because he cant stand her. She didn't want to have a 'bastard' child, so they got married. I never got that. I didn't want MY child to be a bastard either. it just isn't how I was raised. but nope, he doesn't love me enough. those are my feelings on it. He says its because he was a different person then. But I think he just doesn't want to be married. period.

He can't commit to me because he thinks it will lead to divorce. WTF. he says that marriage doesnt change things, that we should already BE that committed. He decided to tell me how little he cares for marriage, how little meaning it has for him. That made me sick, the way he was talking about it. He says he feels like we're already married. Though, I tried to explain to him. he has NO commitment shown toward me. We arent even engaged, because every time I said anything to do with marriage it got me yelled at.

I cheated on him last year. we broke up for a short time before we got back together. He says he trusts me now more than he's ever trusted me. even before I did what I did. but yet, he can't marry me. he knows I'd leave him before I'd do anything like that again.

I UNDERSTAND it's my fault, I screwed it up. ME. HOWEVER, I don't think I should wait around in limbo forever awaiting his commitment. Sometimes I feel like he would be better off if I left. He thinks I will leave, and thats part of his hesitation. But I know that it's really because he wants the easy way out, the cheaper way, when he decides to leave. that's not entirely how I feel, but that is an overwhelming sensation >.<

back to my point, we had a deep discussion, almost no raised voices, and it was a mixed blessing. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it... later, boys and girls