I search for the one who bleeds like me

God I love trapt. but this song got me thinking today.

I search for the one who bleeds like me

I love this concept. but it's such bullshit. I do NOT want someone who is borderline, who is as crazy and fucked up and broken as me. because I have nothing to offer, so neither would they. All I do right is be a parent. and sometimes I worry I can't even do that. My best friend is pretty fucked up. but I would never want to be with him BECAUSE of that. I love him to death, but I would never want a relationship with him.

Is it really that important that I settle down
Does it really even matter that I have my doubts

This is the feeling I get everytime I get that "run" urge. which, sitting here next to him, I want to just tell him it's over. I can't do it anymore. I'm not happy.
but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to protect myself, I guess. and I am happy, at times. this is just not one of those moments. I have to cook dinner still, and go to the gym [I owe myself a stab in the face, but I'll write a rain check] and I've only had like, 1200-1300 calories today [counting dinner preemptively.] Making grilled chicken, steamed veggies and mac and cheese. o.O


I forget to dream in color
I am better off alone

I feel very lonely. I'm not even writing this to anyone. because no one cares. not in real life, and not on the fucking web. It's depressing. and most of my real life friends have no idea how effed up I am. >.< nor do I really want them to. because they couldnt handle it. and then I'd be alone. But I need to cook dinner and get ready to go to the gym. I'll write more later. btw, Psych of Personality exam today, pretty sure I got a B. now to prepare to be swamped with 5 frickin classes in Summer Quarter. lol

My addictions have no boundaries
Now I'm crying out for more