So, I'm not a huge freudian fan. but there is this concept in particular that seems to fit, ish.
the ego and the id. the superego as well, but that doesn't relate as well.
I feel like as a person, I'm missing my superego. the voice that tells you that you should think it through before you do it, the compromise in my head. maybe that's just a part of borderline, the impulsiveness. it makes sense, right?
I feel like I'm almost 2 people [not DID or anything, let me explain]
I know that I am one person. I know this. but at times it feels like there's 2 aspects to me. sensible, responsible does what is right what needs to be done thinks before she acts L. and then there's the wild crazy doesn't care about the consequences does what happens to sound good at the moment, D.
Needless to say, D wins almost everytime. L hasn't had much of a voice in years, aside from staying with the boyfriend, who I love dearly, overcoming that cut and run mentality so far; getting a GED and starting college [Even if D has screwed it up a few times, ditching class, not studying for stupid reasons etc.]
I don't know if this makes sense to any other BPs out there, but it does to me. Maybe I place to much in the separating the two aspects of me. but don't you feel this way sometimes, too?
L and D...Heh.
ReplyDeleteL and E here. except, mine arent names.
Each side of me does have its own aspects,
but they're rapidly changing, growing,
as a person does.
L is Logic. The coldhearted more honest side
of me, but as with anything, Logic is fallible, but don't go telling him that.
E is Emotion. Raw, and pure. Too many times I realize my mind yearns for infatuation to be more than that, and has been quite a trouble to me, especially in recent years.
What I have declined to explain, is that between these two, there is another subset.
"Eric" and "Dyne".
Whichever has 'Dominance' takes the name Eric, and whichever one is suppressed is 'Dyne'.
I've been consciously building a 'bridge' between these two, a compromise if you will.
...It took me a long time to come to point I'm at.
It took nearly losing you completely.
It took me acknowledging that I am going to take care of my son for as long as I live.
And... perhaps even more painful than Losing Roselyn....
Was the final straw.
Katie.
In reality, all she did was get sick of me,
sick of me being two people, and tired of me not telling her both sides' full story. (Even if it was because I didn't want her to Worry.)
I hope it doesnt take something as drastic as losing someone from your life completely to learn to compromise with yourself.
Find a Link between L and D. Something they both need. Both want. Both couldnt be 'themselves' without.
And never let it go. Be completely honest. 100%.
....I'd be lying if I said I have that. Even now.
...But, I have the next best thing, I have what I know I need to do. I need to be alone. For a long time. Relationships will be toxic to me trying to heal, for I'll merely see them as Katie or Roselyn.
Avery. Both aspects have Avery. and L is definitely more logical, while the D aspect doesn't really think.
ReplyDeleteD is the one that gets all rega-y and splodes at people, whether or not the deserve it.
L is more the mask I wear, how I should act, how people can look at me and not see the horrible mess of a person I really am. L is a facade, hiding D from scaring everyone away. >.<
And I'm still one person. but labelly them as different aspects, even separate names, is probably part of my personal identity issues.
....You and I are scary alike.
ReplyDelete"Eric" is normally a mask. The one in control has a way of....hiding? idk.
"Dyne" is the suppressed urges. I'm doing better at managing a gap between the two.
You need....okay, need is the wrong word, but its the best I got. You need to try and put yourself back together. It's like your two sides are the extreme sides, so maybe try and find a middle ground?