I have a couple blogs in draft still. Its hard to finish them. Hard to talk about things, scarey to think someone might read these who knows me, who will think differently of me.

I'm pretty much all better from being sick. going back to the gym today. I need to get into shape.

I want to get away.
I want to see the midnight sun, the northern lights. I'm thinking of going north. Maybe we can honeymoon there. I don't know.

I need to talk to someone. but I don't even know where to begin.

I did some art that doesn't suck so far, though it's such a bland concept.

We might get a dog. I'd like that. we're going to the movies tonight. We will see how it goes.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. >.<

I've been struggling to get to my schoolwork. But I'll get it done, I want to do well.

Wow, its been like a week. o.o

I haven't dropped yet another thing. I am still here. I've had a very busy week. Father's day morning, Larry proposed to me again. I was laying there naked. He proposes in awkward ways, lol. I didn't answer til monday, but we knew I would. We stayed up til nearly 8am sunday night at a friends, it was nice. we played some board games, and had a lot of fun.

My friend let me borrow $200 bucks, which really helped me out. He doesn't expect me to pay him back, but I can't let a debt go unpaid.

Paid for 2 classes wednesday, that's all I can afford to take.

I've been sick a couple days, I feel awful. I still managed some housework and cooking, though today was just leftovers. Tomorrow I'm experimenting with chicken paremesan. maybe some noodles with it.

I feel like shit for not going to the gym since weds morning. But I'm so sick. I just want to be pretty when we get married. I don't want to wait until June, either. It'll probably be March, maybe even a winter wedding, in february. The sooner I get taxes back XD

I'm just waiting for the depression. Something is going to screw this up. I know it.

I have a headache. I have to go. I'll write more, later.

Semidrama.

I'm starting this on thursday, but I know I wont finish it until tomorrow. besides, 3 blogs in one day, might be a bit much x.x

So I'm friends with an ex I dated 3 yrs ago. He broke up with his girl a month or so ago. we keep making plans to grab coffee but I keep flaking because of stuff coming up [picking up the boyfriend, driving someone to work, etc]

So the other day we are talking [about him getting a GED] and out of nowhere, really he says:
On another note I miss you.

Well, we haven't talked in a week or so, so I take this semicasually.
I miss ya too, we haven't hung out in ages.
then a second msg,
Maybe I should help you study for the GED

Him:
That would be helpful
and a second msg from him:
I wish shit would have worked out between us.

Me:
Yeah, but I'm a horrid girlfriend so it's probably best it didn't.

Him:
Youre so easy to talk to and beautiful.

Me:
I'm not beautiful, I'm fat. x.x I can't argue that I'm easy to talk to.

short story: we go back and forth about how apparently wonderful I am, how he doesnt think I get told it enough, how I think he's just messed up over his last gf, he doesn't think so, etcetcetc.

WTF?

I can't lie, I did smile, enjoy it. It felt nice, him saying those things. I didn't force the subject to change like I should have. I didn't exactly encourage it either. but I didn't discourage it either.

The discussion turned to me saying I'm the reason we broke up, being borderline and unable to control myself. He said it was a choice of mine, so I sent a few links to educate him.

Later that night I sent him a txt,
Did you read those links? I hope ya did <3
I meant like, I'd love it if he did, but it wasn't very specific to that. He said he'd read them when he got home from work. o.O


I... don't know. I haven't talked to him in a day or 2.
It's not like I love him, My emotions aren't involved really at all. but I kinda like knowing that someone regrets not being with me.

I'll write later, I think I should introduce some backstory. o.O

frustration.

So, for the past couple hours I was feeling ok. talked to my best friend, that's always nice even if the boyfriend hates him >.<

Then I pick up the boyfriend from work. He didn't even notice I chopped a good 1.5inches off my bangs. x.x then I had to change the song quickly, "You wanna get married, run away..." stupid goo goo dolls. that upset me a little, even that stupid whore is getting married. Other BPs get married, their husbands love them enough. but the boyfriend obviously doesnt. needless to say it hurts. constantly. he could marry that horrid woman, but not me. I'd like to think I'm not as bad as her. but maybe I'm worse, and just blind to it. fuck me, I'm hopeless. If he's not going to marry me I don't want to stick around, to hurt more and more. I know that sounds stupid, considering he's put up with me for 2 years. And i know "marriage isn't any different" blah blah blah. That's bullshit. Marriage would mean he at least cared enough to stick around. instead of having a "get out of crazytown without paying for a divorce" card.
Back to my point, I went off on him because of this. I just wanna punch him sometimes. Maybe we just aren't meant.

Someone stab me in the face please.

the ego and the id.

So, I'm not a huge freudian fan. but there is this concept in particular that seems to fit, ish.

the ego and the id. the superego as well, but that doesn't relate as well.

I feel like as a person, I'm missing my superego. the voice that tells you that you should think it through before you do it, the compromise in my head. maybe that's just a part of borderline, the impulsiveness. it makes sense, right?

I feel like I'm almost 2 people [not DID or anything, let me explain]
I know that I am one person. I know this. but at times it feels like there's 2 aspects to me. sensible, responsible does what is right what needs to be done thinks before she acts L. and then there's the wild crazy doesn't care about the consequences does what happens to sound good at the moment, D.

Needless to say, D wins almost everytime. L hasn't had much of a voice in years, aside from staying with the boyfriend, who I love dearly, overcoming that cut and run mentality so far; getting a GED and starting college [Even if D has screwed it up a few times, ditching class, not studying for stupid reasons etc.]

I don't know if this makes sense to any other BPs out there, but it does to me. Maybe I place to much in the separating the two aspects of me. but don't you feel this way sometimes, too?

Good days are always cloudy.

Today/yesterday has been pretty good. but as always there's plenty of darkness. Though I've been able to keep it at bay.

I lost nearly 4lbs in less than a week so far. Thats good, right? I can't live with myself the way I am. I have to change it. I want to be pretty, like people tell me I am. I want to see it, with saying to myself "if you were skinny, if you didn't have such fat legs, fat hips, fatfatfat." That's the worse part I see of myself physically.

My mom tweezed my eyebrows for me today. We may not get along super well, I'm definitely not the favorite. but my eyebrows aren't beastly like before =P

I'm going to the gym soon. so I'm cutting this short.
I'll write about the ego and the id, and ex semidrama later. =P

I'm not quite sure.

So someone got all pissy with me today as we were talking about fafsa. I tried to explain that his debt is NOT the reason he was denied, but because when he applied he was considered a dependent by the govt. He yells at me and hangs up. whatever. he's a perverted piece of shit anyway, I ignore it but maybe I shouldn't have.

Anywho::::

I've been going to the gym the past few days [since last weds, so almost a week.] I weighed myself on sunday, and I've lost 1.5lbs. I know that sounds like nothing, but it's a start.

What's more important on an excersize bike? the mph or the time spent? my friend did 50 mins [at about 7-8mph, starting at 1 resistance and getting up to 7 resistance [still in the 7mph area]
I did 30mins on the bike, going from 4-6 resistance, [upping every 10 mins] at about 12-13mph for the first 20mins, then 13-14mph for the last 10. She's lost more weight than I have and only been to the gym 1 extra day.but she's also been taking a multivitamin, and both fish and flaxseed oil. plus she's heavier than I am [by about 100lbs]

I don't hurt like I was when I started at the gym. [except for my ass, the bike seat is NOT comfy x.x ] which is a good sign. I'm sore, but I'm not like I have to go home and do nothing all night cause I feel like death lol

My next goal is the elliptical/stairmaster thingy. I don't have the rhythm for it yet, but another week or so I should be able to start using it.

I've been less depressed. but still sometimes I get really bad...

I'll write again later. sometime. maybe.