I can has alcohol?

The kiddo is in bed, food is being made, and fiance will be home in an hour. however, I haven't done nearly enough housework, and my friend who has been staying for a few days is not even close to pulling his weight. he needs to go do the damn dishes, lol.
but I need to get some work done too, I just feel very blah, unmotivated, meh. And I doubt I shall be allowed a bottle of wine with the lack of work.

Music really fucks me up. I was singing 'Blood on my hands' by the used yesterday. "there's blood on my hands like the blood in you, some things can't be treated so, don't make me don't make me be myself around you"
I lost it. there is blood on my hands. and no matter what anyone says, it won't wash away. my guilt won't wash away. And can I be treated? I have always been this way, certain events in the past just made it harder to control.
I cried on the way home. how could I do otherwise?

But right now, I'm as ok as I get when I'm not super happy. I want to see a doctor, I really do. but after calling all over the area, [I'm about 65-70% through the list] no one is accepting new patients, or they don't take caresource, or they don't want someone with my issues.

You know, maybe it's the fact that when I drink, it hurts, that keeps me from becoming alcoholic. It thins the blood, and with my nerve damage, somehow it reacts and makes it quite sore, more sensitive to the constant pain I feel every goddamn day. But I push through for a good bottle of vodka or white zin. [and sometimes a not so good bottle of vodka, lol] and eventually it doesn't bother me that it hurts so much.

But most mornings I wake up and want to die, it's so painful. Those days usually aren't good ones. A few of my friends feel I should seek pain management, but I can't find anyone accepting new patients for that, either! It's enough to make you wanna stab yourself. Maybe then they'd understand it fucking HURTS.

Right now, it's at a steady 4 on the pain scale. so I can live, ish.

But anywho.

My son keeps smacking his head. sometimes knocking on it. I've read that it's because he doesn't know how to express his frustration. I wonder if it'd be healthier for him to have tantrums, he rarely does.

I read this blog on psychology today, here's a quote:
We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us - we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved. Men are particularly vulnerable to the perils of this social idealization because the sexual charge of these sorts of relationships tends to be intense in the extreme, leaning decidedly more toward the kink than the vanilla.

Oddly enough, this makes total sense. There isn't anything really special about me. My ex before the fiance didn't really want to be with me after I stopped idealizing him. But he lovvveeeddd me making him feel like he was so perfect. Because, to me, he was. Until he shattered me. He destroyed any worth I could have felt for myself. And the fiance gave back some of it. And this is how my relationships have been. And I split the fiance white still, as I have with all relationships, but I also split him black. and it kills me that I can be so hurtful, yet at the time it seems reasonable/justified. I think, often, that me leaving would be the best thing to ever happen to him. and times, I think it would utterly destroy him. and the same with myself, at times I think I'll be happier. Other times I think I'll just wither away without him.

I dunno. gotta go check the food. How is everyone else? I love you guys for reading this, btw. ♥

rage-y. and irrationally so.

I can't help it. I'm so pissed. I never get what I want. why even try? Why even let me care about anything? So I can be crushed? Dissociation setting in, luckily or else I'd say things to him I may regret. I'll post more later.

tomorrow is never that far away...

yesterday wasn't really great. but it wasn't bad either. honestly, aside from homework it was pretty blah.

Today, however, is shaping up to be a good day.
I woke up at 9:30 with my son. How lucky am I that my kid sleeps til 9:30?
Made the kiddo a breakfast, watched some Roseanne, scheduled my classes for next quarter, ate a fiber plus bar, facebooked, decided on dinner plans, and did a little cleaning. The fiance woke up about 12, we sat outside a few minutes and I swept up the porch. I really need to finish getting the house painted. oh well, it'll get done soon enough. I'm in a pretty good mood. I haven't woke up this early in a week, cause I haven't been able to sleep until 6, 7, sometimes 9 in the morning. >.< I'm fighting back some self-image issues, but I will NOT let them screw up today. Dammit, I deserve a day of happy.
Gonna bust out the indoor grill thingy tonight, see how that works out.

Watching Hoarders: Buried Alive. I have a tendency to hoard, a lot of it clothing, but nothing like that. but I've moved so much, lost so many things dear to me, including the best self portrait [and oil pastel] that I have ever done. When I first moved here, all I could bring from my old home was what I could fit into 1/2 a laundry basket. Which is probably why I have a tendency to not let things go.

I hoard people too. I know that sounds strange, but let me explain. I practically refuse to let people out of my life. I don't let people go. exes, former friends, I keep them in my life in some way. I don't want anyone to leave me, even after I leave them. o.O

I'll post more later.

How is everyone today? good, bad, or blah day so far?

I wake up and find myself unstable ♥

How can something so beautiful
Shine on something so dreadful
Realized this too late...
[Pulse Ultra, Despot]

I've been neglectful of this page. though, part of that is because ATT sucks and screwed up my internet, leaving me with only my phone for a week, and blogger + iphone =fail. So I'm back now though.

I was anti-socializing for a few days, but at the same time, I was desperately hoping someone would message me, text me, call me, something. >.<

How can someone feel so excited, happy, ecstatic one moment, then seriously wish that she could just go and cry alone the next? It's ridiculous, let me explain further...

We went to a friends for a get together. It was a lot of fun, but in the last half hour, I was damn near tears. in fact, when I went outside to smoke, I had to brush a few away. I had felt it coming, but held it back as well as I could. but of course, something always clouds my fun.

This week, or the week after, I have something to look forward to. I will NOT let anything get in the way of it. Though trying to get my mom to get some of her shit out of my house is ridiculously difficult. She hasnt even filed a change of address in the 6 months she's been moved out. I keep catching myself from doing this, but one day I might not hold back and just throw her shit in the trash. this is not a storage facility, and if it was, people pay to store their shit.

I have been setting up my studio. I find it a little silly that my craft room/art studio should be the biggest room in the house, but apparently it makes sense. Well, it will come in handy when I have friends over.

I've been thinking about an ex of mine... Not that I miss us together, not exactly. But I wish that he ever cared for me. it's silly, I know. but I listened to a song the other day, and it reminded me how shattered I was after him, not for the breakup itself, but for the fact that he recovered so quickly from me, that it never seemed to faze him at all. bastard. Why did I ever care?
The sad thing is, he was the strongest I cared about in a very long time, and he just didn't seem to appreciate it. >.<

Anywho, back to the present:
Lately we've been having some issues. Probably all my fault, whether I realize it or not. Like, it really irritates me how controlling and uptight he can be. but it feels like it's worse lately. I already have that run reflex that comes up here and there. but I feel like I'm suffocating lately. And our sex life is suffering, though he doesn't seem to be bothered by it. I can't help but think he's sick of looking at me. Heaven knows I'm not much to look at. but enough of my bitching. I need to go to bed. though I've been sleeping way more than I should be lately.

I've felt a little less "emo cunt" today though. And tomorrow will be better, I can feel it.

Funnybone

We has tickets, I can't wait to go.
We spent $30 on books today. fuck. but I'm really pretty thrilled, I love books.
I'm hungry. I need to lose 6inches in both my waist and hips by march. I can do it, I just need to be dedicated. I don't exactly know what to lose in my upper torso, but I'm sure I'll have no trouble losing there x.x
Got sized, I'm actually a 40D. the chick tried saying I was a DD, but I proved her wrong! >.<
I've been ignoring little things a lot lately, like my anger at my mom/sisters, etc. I've been talking to a friend, he reminds me of someone else I am close to, and I both like and dislike that.
I feel kind of manic ish. I'm not sure of what to write, my mind is all over the place.
I have my first Victoria's Secret bra. it is of the GODS. my walmart bras just don't compare. getting another one tomorrow, this one I got from a friend.
I wish my fiance let me bite him. >.<
Everyone seems to love the dress I picked for the wedding, but ONE person told me they didn't think it was that good looking, and now I'm constantly second guessing it.

I wanna use the oil pastels I got from my loverly friend for my birthday. and my new paints, and the detail brushes. But I should do homework first. screw it, I'm making something purdy tonight. XD

I'm feeling very alone right now. It makes me really depressed. I need to go out, do something. but I can't.

Maybe I'll hit the bar tonight. lol

A little bit of history.

[[this isn't done but I'll be damned if I dont let it out.]]

I remember the night. driving up to his friends in morrow county. offering him a drink but him saying no because "he didn't want to risk anything happening to me"
The night, the sharp left turn. the bumping, the rolling of the car. EMS almost instantaneous. the blood. the blood that wasn't mine, because my blood had painted the ground, not my face, my chest. screaming. knowing he was gone but trying so hard not to believe it. but the blood, the lack of response from him... the laceration in the back of his head I heard about later, which made sense because all the blood had to come from somewhere. the EMS workers as I begged them to help him. [tears... gotta stop now...]

less than two months after he died my mom told me to "get over it"
five months after he died, I was in another state, away from one of his best friends [my boyfriend at the time, we were both hurting after the accident] I had broken up with him, I couldn't do the distance thing.
I dated a friend for a very short while [absolutely nothing serious, though I was his first gf, lol] We broke up because I stole from Meijer and got in an argument with a friend of his.

That night I grabbed the scissors out of my bag, sitting by an overpass. First I hacked off all my hair. Cut a good 6inches off, down to 1-2inches. I didn't feel better afterward. Not good enough. I sliced my arms, my neck, my chest. Not very deeply, but enough to bleed. The scissors were dull, anyway. The blood was pretty. I called 911 on myself [anonymously] and waited.
I was thinking I would be in a 72hr suicide watch type thing. I didn't know better, I was barely 17. My dad decided instead, to have me committed. 2weeks. I was told I had borderline personality disorder.
After, I was shipped back home to my mom, the self righteous bitch. She was the reason I was even up there in the first place.
This was 3yrs ago. I was put on prozac, which made me feel awful. My mom never let me go to another shrink, so I never got any more therapy or medication.

[Incomplete]
It's been 4 years. and I still can't stop crying sometimes. even being engaged, having a child... I miss you so much more than I can say. I will never let you go...

I blamed myself.

Watching Law & Order SVU today, again.

Got me thinking. They tell people to not blame themselves. but I still do.

It was after my moms suicide attempt, almost a year later. I was at my dads house, around christmas, 16 years old. my sister and her boyfriend were pushing my dad around, buying his silence with booze and threats. He was terrified of her boyfriend. So was everyone else. I couldn't decide who I was more afraid of, him or her. I was heavier [as she so often reminded me] but I'm not one for fighting. I can, but I don't like to. probably because of her. but that's another blog, for another time. They had a friend living there. I don't even know his real name.

My sister had alcohol, decided we would get drunk. She gave my dad a bottle and he stayed upstairs. We drank, smoked pot, and drank some more. She kept giving me more. I was so messed up I couldn't move.

They left me downstairs, with the friend of theirs. I tried to say no, but it wasn't the loud assertive no it should have been, but a drunken whimper. And... it happened. my first time. drunk and stoned in a dirty basement with someone I didn't know, or want to. On an orange couch that probably belonged in the 70s. My eyes closed, wanting this not to be happening. Thinking how awful was I to let this happen. And everyone upstairs, oblivious.