So today I decided, I'll go to the gym. figured I'd get Avery woken up, fed, and then we'd get showered and go. It's now 7:30. I was planning on leaving at 7, since the daycare is only until 8pm. fucking FAIL. I am now sitting here, rewatching season 1 of Weeds. I should at least do some housework. I just feel so fucking useless. I WILL go to the gym tomorrow before my psych final at 1230. Or I'll stab myself in the face.
I also had a weird dream last night, involving rape and pudding. I have no FUCKING idea x.x
I gotta try to get motivated into cleaning.
Do all borderlines have such troubles letting go when it comes to losing a loved one? 4 years and I still break down and cry for him. but sometimes... I wonder if I'm crying for him as much as I'm already breaking down, and then I think of him... Regardless... I miss him, I want him to be proud of me... but the truth is, he'd probably hate who I really am. and cue the tears.
Later...
Showing posts with label weeds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weeds. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
today, pt 2
so I'm planning a semi-large event. It's a party, at a local hotspot. I sent the invitations out via facebook. Almost immediately [within a day] a "friend" declined. no apology, nothing. this from the friend who only seems to talk to me as a last resort.
I know, I know, you're thinking it's just paranoia. But it's not. This person is only my friend because of a mutual acquaintance. And they complain, and they whine, and I get so sick of it. but I put up with it, and I sympathize. Because I'm a good friend. something some of my friends should remember. There are other friends, friends that are much better than I deserve.
but it's difficult to maintain a bond, a relationship with some of my friends, because there is little human contact. Most of it is txt/facebook/etc. So I either play my friends up to to be much much better than they are [not to say they arent great, but I ignore any flaws] or I judge, put down, dwell on all the things they don't do for me.
Ugh. life sucks.
On the positive side, tonight is leftovers. maybe I'll make some mashed potatoes, but nothing else. Which only leaves me the crippling amount of housework that I'm severely backed up on. Because I'm lazy, and useless, and Mary Louise Parker is just too goddamn intriguing.
Now I get to despond over not being married, not having a dog, or money, or a job, or the feeling of being loved or needed.
Today started pretty nice. but now... notsomuch. We'll see how things are when he gets home.
I know, I know, you're thinking it's just paranoia. But it's not. This person is only my friend because of a mutual acquaintance. And they complain, and they whine, and I get so sick of it. but I put up with it, and I sympathize. Because I'm a good friend. something some of my friends should remember. There are other friends, friends that are much better than I deserve.
but it's difficult to maintain a bond, a relationship with some of my friends, because there is little human contact. Most of it is txt/facebook/etc. So I either play my friends up to to be much much better than they are [not to say they arent great, but I ignore any flaws] or I judge, put down, dwell on all the things they don't do for me.
Ugh. life sucks.
On the positive side, tonight is leftovers. maybe I'll make some mashed potatoes, but nothing else. Which only leaves me the crippling amount of housework that I'm severely backed up on. Because I'm lazy, and useless, and Mary Louise Parker is just too goddamn intriguing.
Now I get to despond over not being married, not having a dog, or money, or a job, or the feeling of being loved or needed.
Today started pretty nice. but now... notsomuch. We'll see how things are when he gets home.
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