You're fearfully and wonderfully made ♥

You fall to your knees
You beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else
For all the times I hate myself?
Your failures devour your heart
In every hour, you're drowning
In your imperfection

I've felt like this a lot. Constantly only seeing what I do wrong, where I'm lacking. Sometimes I find it impossible to see anything good about myself. But that's not all the time. I'm a much better parent than my mother ever was, I'm a good friend, almost always there for people, helpful, kind, caring, sweet [at times], and not unattractive, even being a larger sized woman.

You're worth so much
It'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything

This evening was lovely. We played with the little one, he had a lot of fun stacking and smashing down blocks ♥ After he went to bed, I sat and relaxed with the boyfriend. Then I went to the gym with my mom, sister and aunt. I did 22 minutes of cardio on the bike, then 5 mins of cooldown on the treadmill. After that I did 75 reps on the ab/situp/ish machine, 20 reps on 2 different arm machines, and 25 leg presses.

All in all, I feel pretty good. the excersizing made me feel pretty nice. sore, but nice. I was smiling incessantly while singing this song on the short drive home.

You're worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else

I feel this way a lot, but listening to skillet [imperfection, if anyone is interested in finding the song] made me feel really good about myself. I may not be exactly what I want, but I'm working on it. all of it, not just the physical, but the mental/emotional as well.


Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you

I'm working on it, darling. I love you. ♥ ♥ and to my friends, I am truly grateful for most of you. You love me in spite of myself =P

You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection

I search for the one who bleeds like me

God I love trapt. but this song got me thinking today.

I search for the one who bleeds like me

I love this concept. but it's such bullshit. I do NOT want someone who is borderline, who is as crazy and fucked up and broken as me. because I have nothing to offer, so neither would they. All I do right is be a parent. and sometimes I worry I can't even do that. My best friend is pretty fucked up. but I would never want to be with him BECAUSE of that. I love him to death, but I would never want a relationship with him.

Is it really that important that I settle down
Does it really even matter that I have my doubts

This is the feeling I get everytime I get that "run" urge. which, sitting here next to him, I want to just tell him it's over. I can't do it anymore. I'm not happy.
but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to protect myself, I guess. and I am happy, at times. this is just not one of those moments. I have to cook dinner still, and go to the gym [I owe myself a stab in the face, but I'll write a rain check] and I've only had like, 1200-1300 calories today [counting dinner preemptively.] Making grilled chicken, steamed veggies and mac and cheese. o.O


I forget to dream in color
I am better off alone

I feel very lonely. I'm not even writing this to anyone. because no one cares. not in real life, and not on the fucking web. It's depressing. and most of my real life friends have no idea how effed up I am. >.< nor do I really want them to. because they couldnt handle it. and then I'd be alone. But I need to cook dinner and get ready to go to the gym. I'll write more later. btw, Psych of Personality exam today, pretty sure I got a B. now to prepare to be swamped with 5 frickin classes in Summer Quarter. lol

My addictions have no boundaries
Now I'm crying out for more

Manipulation?

I'm pretty good at reading people. I know what responses with bring us closer, what will push us farther apart. I know how to get someone to open up, I know how to make them withdraw from me.

Is that manipulation? Is that wrong? Or is hypersensitivity a good thing, a way to make me feel like I can still connect to people?

I've been feeling very alone and distant.

We had sex last night, and I got into it [for the first time in ages]. But today he's been mean to me. My son has been fussing and I feel like I'm going to 'splode. What do nons do when they feel all rage-y? I'm just trying not to take it out on him again. there's only so much someone can take before they're done. And this rage-y feeling happens too often, and then comes the depression. I hope I feel better later

today, pt 2

so I'm planning a semi-large event. It's a party, at a local hotspot. I sent the invitations out via facebook. Almost immediately [within a day] a "friend" declined. no apology, nothing. this from the friend who only seems to talk to me as a last resort.

I know, I know, you're thinking it's just paranoia. But it's not. This person is only my friend because of a mutual acquaintance. And they complain, and they whine, and I get so sick of it. but I put up with it, and I sympathize. Because I'm a good friend. something some of my friends should remember. There are other friends, friends that are much better than I deserve.
but it's difficult to maintain a bond, a relationship with some of my friends, because there is little human contact. Most of it is txt/facebook/etc. So I either play my friends up to to be much much better than they are [not to say they arent great, but I ignore any flaws] or I judge, put down, dwell on all the things they don't do for me.

Ugh. life sucks.

On the positive side, tonight is leftovers. maybe I'll make some mashed potatoes, but nothing else. Which only leaves me the crippling amount of housework that I'm severely backed up on. Because I'm lazy, and useless, and Mary Louise Parker is just too goddamn intriguing.

Now I get to despond over not being married, not having a dog, or money, or a job, or the feeling of being loved or needed.

Today started pretty nice. but now... notsomuch. We'll see how things are when he gets home.

Last night.

So after the fight, we both cooled off. him quicker than I, but it's easier to calm down for normal people when they realize it's their fault.

So we stay up, watching TV and the like til about 3-330. then we go to bed.
As we're laying in bed I turn it into a discusson that lasts til about 6am.
We covered a wide range of things, from why he can't commit to me, how he never communicates verbally, how I feel, etc. though my memory is a bit foggy, it seems like we talked mainly about things I wanted to discuss, which meant me [and my BPD] weren't mentioned somuch.

He hates how I compare myself to his exwife, because he cant stand her. She didn't want to have a 'bastard' child, so they got married. I never got that. I didn't want MY child to be a bastard either. it just isn't how I was raised. but nope, he doesn't love me enough. those are my feelings on it. He says its because he was a different person then. But I think he just doesn't want to be married. period.

He can't commit to me because he thinks it will lead to divorce. WTF. he says that marriage doesnt change things, that we should already BE that committed. He decided to tell me how little he cares for marriage, how little meaning it has for him. That made me sick, the way he was talking about it. He says he feels like we're already married. Though, I tried to explain to him. he has NO commitment shown toward me. We arent even engaged, because every time I said anything to do with marriage it got me yelled at.

I cheated on him last year. we broke up for a short time before we got back together. He says he trusts me now more than he's ever trusted me. even before I did what I did. but yet, he can't marry me. he knows I'd leave him before I'd do anything like that again.

I UNDERSTAND it's my fault, I screwed it up. ME. HOWEVER, I don't think I should wait around in limbo forever awaiting his commitment. Sometimes I feel like he would be better off if I left. He thinks I will leave, and thats part of his hesitation. But I know that it's really because he wants the easy way out, the cheaper way, when he decides to leave. that's not entirely how I feel, but that is an overwhelming sensation >.<

back to my point, we had a deep discussion, almost no raised voices, and it was a mixed blessing. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it... later, boys and girls