What or who am I?

Trying to find a psychologist is exhausting, emotionally.

I had my hopes up, only to be shot down from the guy. Once I mentioned BPD, he immediately started trying to shuffle me onto other people, vaguely, not even being helpful. I almost cried. Then I got to go back to work for 3.5 hrs.

My friend is amazing. yesterday I went to give someone a lighter back, she said i could keep it, so I'm walking toward the exit to leave work; when I bumped into him and his friend. His friend wandered off immediately, and I said bye and stood there awkwardly for a second, because it seemed he wanted to say something.
Something like this, though it's chopped a little cause I don't remember it perfectly clear.
"have a good evening, and weekend"
"you too. wait, you're coming over sunday still, right?"
"noooo, [joking]. of course"
"awesome."

then he gave me a kiss on the lips, right there at work. pretty sure no one saw, but the fact that he did it where someone could have seen. well. damn that boy. ♥ I was smiling and so giddy upon walking outta work. =D He called me later, and we were talking and I mentioned I was having an amazing night. and he said "and we both know why that is" "you practically skipped out of there"

God damn I can't wait to date this boy. ♥

Yoga, Pilates, and whatever else. eating better is a given.
I need these. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm aiming for a size 16 right now. that's 2-3 sizes smaller. When I hit that point, we will see where I go from there. I am not defeatist about this. I can do this. I've been a size 24, and dropped all the way to a 14. I CAN do this. ♥

♥dee

I wil never be silent.

A couple of the BPs I read have gone away. It's sad, because I like to see how others cope with it.

But it also reminds me, that I will never be silenced. maybe I'm a coward, for not posting who I am to the world, but if I did, I would never be so honest.

My voice is disguised but strong. And if that's the way I have to deal, then so be it.

Any columbus BPs know anything about Dr J Scott Craig? he takes both Caresource and the insurance I'm going to be on come January. Has anyone been there or know anyone who has?

Either way. Dr time soon. I need to do this, for me. I had this planned before I even broke it off w the fiance.

My friend and I had a date tonight, sorta. We talked, and he mentioned [not that he thinks it would happen with us] but his history speaks for him, he is drawn to broken people. And when they get fixed/fix themselves, they leave him. I don't want to do that. I won't do that. If we date, great. If we get serious, I will make him happier than the bitch that broke him.

Which is why I told him tonight.

That I don't want to date him. And he understood completely, that I meant not yet, because I don't want him to be a rebound, some casual affair, some mistake. I want him to be something meaningful. though he already means more to me than he should.

I know I won't be fixed. I know I will always be a little broken. maybe that is a little comforting to him. even if he doesn't quite realize what BPD entails. I'm hoping to keep the crazy to a minimum.

He called me codependent, and I said I was fiercely independent. Then he told me last night, that when he's really in a relationship, he is really invested to that point, he is very co-dependent. he needs attention, wants to be the most important person in my life, share our lives in every aspect. he thought I had a negative expression on my face, but I told him I was just trying not to smile. because I've never dated someone like that. And I'm a bit like that myself.

I don't love him. but I can imagine how it would be, so vividly. And it doesn't seem bad at all.

♥dee

It is what it is. o.O

I know I'm not in love, but it could be so easy.

we talked tonight. He brought up an example of how Freud is not a nut, because I am a lot like his mom. lol.

He mentioned something about how I'm always a rock for other people even when I just want someone to be mine. I asked him to clarify. He said do you want a real example or a general one. I said I preferred real; he brought up my darling dead boyfriend. How during that time, he guesses I was a rock for everyone else, when in NO way should that have been asked of me. And it's true. which is probably why I ended up in the hospital 6 months later. He's very smart, and sweet, and amazing.

I tried to explain something he said about me [that he got right on the mark, he has a scary way of knowing me already] and he said no. it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change things.

I said, "you mean it just is what it is"

him: exactly.

I don't care if I'm just splitting him white right now. It feels nice.

I awkwardly asked him on a date. sorta. not really. lol

I asked if he wanted to talk more tomorrow evening, because we both enjoy our conversations.
I said, maybe you could drive me home?
he asked if I didn't have a way home,
I told him no, my ex needed the car, and I was gonna ask a different friend, but I enjoy our talks more lol.
He said yes,
and I said, you wanna grab dinner tomorrow? my treat.
He asked if he could pick where I said sure. ♥

Is that a date? or just thanking a friend that I've fucked before for the ride home?

I brought up us sleeping together days ago. we did it once, and I wanted at least that from him. Cause I kinda dig him. and I brought it up outright, "__ said I should just say, this was fun, we should do it again sometime. But I'm just not that smooth" lol.

And he said fuck buddies is a bad thing usually, cause someone always ends up developing feelings and the other doesnt. and we aren't fuck buddies.
So I asked what are we?
And he said I dunno. but something.

And I know this whole sleeping together thing doesn't mean nothing. He really seems to enjoy spending time with me. and he's only slept w 3 people, so I don't think this is a flippant thing. And my friend says he deff sees something there from him for me. Like in the way he looks/acts around me. ♥

I am going to bed thouugh. Long day, and I gotta get whored up for tomorrow. XD

I just have to get this out.

I'm very dependent on this blog right this moment.

I know I mentioned this before, but I showed him my crazy last night. I thought I had mentioned my stay in the mental hospital, but I don't think he remembers. I'll tell him that part later. I told him there was something else I'd tell him later.

I dropped the words. I used the term Borderline Personality Disorder. this early in a relationship, that's probably not a good idea. especially since we aren't technically dating, nor will we for awhile. I told him i would be seeing a shrink on a regular basis soon. He asked to know what medications I'll be put on. He gets a little frustrated that I don't believe him when it comes to positive things about me. So I'm going to take him at face value. He's so sweet, and genuine. I don't think he's setting out to hurt me. That and we wont be thinking of dating exclsively or anything anytime soon.

The ex is getting title XX and bumping back up to full time. I am moving in December. I can not wait. He thought he walked in on a date tonight. we were just hanging out. but a date would have been nice too. ♥ we shall see how things go. We cuddled on the couch, played madden, and watched comedy shtuffs. It was nice.

I am finding a psych asap. I need medication, and I need to get DBT or some such. I need to do this, before there is an US.

Going to bed though, gotta working in the AM ♥

Jumping to conclusions

I feel so much better than I did this morning. if you read through I already start to feel better but... this is good.

I love my life. right now. exactly as it is.

My mistake wasn't so bad. He's still around.

For whatever this is, he hasn't disappeared.

that's something, at least.

He even said this afternoon:

"I had a lot of fun as well crazy included. I really like that we can talk and we both know so completely what the other means when we say things"

OMG! ♥♥♥ That's wonderful. I was determined to be happy no matter what. but how can I not be when I hear something like that? =^.^=

I need to be careful to not actually fall for this boy. He could be trouble.

I can't think of a post to cover my self-rage

Oh fucking christ.

Oh FUCKING christ.

WHY? what the fuck was wrong with me?

I was drunker than I ever thought possible, that's what.

And I sincerely hope I don't burn a bridge because of it.

He is a wonderful lovely man that I showed all my crazy too last night.

FUCK.

And I dropped the L word. I know I didn't mean it, not in that way and not completely.

But I do care, a lot.

And we cuddled.

A lot.

And talked

And he took me to Waffle House to sober me up.

Which apparently he also did cause he likes spending time alone with me.

Loverly.

Maybe we'll go on a date sometime.

Or maybe he'll run once he wakes up today.

But he stayed long enough last night; and that means a great deal.

Right?

Oh he's so broken, but I wouldn't begin to understand someone who's not.

Why is it that everyone has that one person that has absolutely destroyed them?

I want to kick her, and I don't even know her.

You fucked up girl, and you missed out hxc.

But how could someone hurt that dear boy?

I don't want to, but I did last night a bit I know.

He was shaking, heart trying to burst through his chest.

Because I said I love you.

He was so angry, though he kept it bottled up at the time.

And we fooled around. Which is what we do.

I'm so hung over now.

And I can't wait for him to wake up.

♥

I'm a statue baby, knock me out.

music has, as always, been my drug. and maybe that's why I'm so calm. or maybe I'm just so disassociated from this part of my life.

I am no longer with my fiance. we fight too goddamn much, and in front of the kiddo. and I just can't be ok with that. He's been getting farther from enabling and closer to reflecting my borderline raging. And that kills me.

The entire discussion, I was severely disassociated. which worked, because it was the calmest, scary almost how well it went. it was mutual, even. we still love each other, but we are hurting each other. So we ended it, before there could be resentment. we smiled and played videogames after. It was weird.

So is the thought of being single. oh god.

But I'm ok. really. I think I'll be fine.