Jumping to conclusions

I feel so much better than I did this morning. if you read through I already start to feel better but... this is good.

I love my life. right now. exactly as it is.

My mistake wasn't so bad. He's still around.

For whatever this is, he hasn't disappeared.

that's something, at least.

He even said this afternoon:

"I had a lot of fun as well crazy included. I really like that we can talk and we both know so completely what the other means when we say things"

OMG! ♥♥♥ That's wonderful. I was determined to be happy no matter what. but how can I not be when I hear something like that? =^.^=

I need to be careful to not actually fall for this boy. He could be trouble.

I can't think of a post to cover my self-rage

Oh fucking christ.

Oh FUCKING christ.

WHY? what the fuck was wrong with me?

I was drunker than I ever thought possible, that's what.

And I sincerely hope I don't burn a bridge because of it.

He is a wonderful lovely man that I showed all my crazy too last night.

FUCK.

And I dropped the L word. I know I didn't mean it, not in that way and not completely.

But I do care, a lot.

And we cuddled.

A lot.

And talked

And he took me to Waffle House to sober me up.

Which apparently he also did cause he likes spending time alone with me.

Loverly.

Maybe we'll go on a date sometime.

Or maybe he'll run once he wakes up today.

But he stayed long enough last night; and that means a great deal.

Right?

Oh he's so broken, but I wouldn't begin to understand someone who's not.

Why is it that everyone has that one person that has absolutely destroyed them?

I want to kick her, and I don't even know her.

You fucked up girl, and you missed out hxc.

But how could someone hurt that dear boy?

I don't want to, but I did last night a bit I know.

He was shaking, heart trying to burst through his chest.

Because I said I love you.

He was so angry, though he kept it bottled up at the time.

And we fooled around. Which is what we do.

I'm so hung over now.

And I can't wait for him to wake up.

♥

I'm a statue baby, knock me out.

music has, as always, been my drug. and maybe that's why I'm so calm. or maybe I'm just so disassociated from this part of my life.

I am no longer with my fiance. we fight too goddamn much, and in front of the kiddo. and I just can't be ok with that. He's been getting farther from enabling and closer to reflecting my borderline raging. And that kills me.

The entire discussion, I was severely disassociated. which worked, because it was the calmest, scary almost how well it went. it was mutual, even. we still love each other, but we are hurting each other. So we ended it, before there could be resentment. we smiled and played videogames after. It was weird.

So is the thought of being single. oh god.

But I'm ok. really. I think I'll be fine.

tears dont fall, they crash around me.

I'm manic

ish.

can one be manic and empty at once?

I wish my life was different.

I hate him.

I'm falling behind in school.

I made a mistake.

Or maybe I did something right for once.

What dictates a mistake?

I feel bad, I dont, there's no way to distinguish whether it was right or wrong.

I needed someone today; but all my friends were busy.

I've been fighting to goddamned much lately.

My friends last night made me want to kick them.

My friends from friday made we want to run.

I've been miserable most of today; and 1/4-1/3 of yesterday.

There's something I think can help; but I don't put any faith in things anymore.

He would understand, maybe, I think. or he would condemn me.

I keep trying not to cry over it.

I can't bring myself to speak the words.

Words have power. I can't give this any more than it has.

I just want to cut away at myself until I'm skinny [therefore pretty]

Just because someone says I'm cute; it doesn't mean shit. whether its a stranger; best friend; or husband. I know better.

I really fucking want to escape.

I couldn't, even if I REALLY wanted to.

Can I lose everything and still be myself? do I have an identity, or do I become the way people want me to be? am I just a puppet for the masses?

Can I ever not blame myself for killing him? do I want to? does the guilt keep him closer in my heart, my memory?

Is there anybody out there? Is anybody calling.

Dont. my phone is broken.

Where were you?

I just want to be alone forever.

but that's a lie.

Fair

For all what, 8 of you that read this.

I'm sorry. This page needs a real post; not just me bitching and moaning.

Updates in life:
Working full time; plus school and kiddo.
it's really stressful especially since the fiance is only working weekends. but that's because we don't have child care and I make more money than him.

I've yet to be medicated. Of course. because I am awful at taking care of myself. I seriously need to just set up an appt.

The fiance and I have fought more than I am comfortable with lately.

Some fuckhead stole my wallet. thanks a lot; cuntface.

I've had a couple amazing nights with friends; and a decent number of amazing nights with the fiance.

We moved.

I need to un-retard myself from blogging; so give me time. I will also be attempting to catch up on blogs.

Dead,

Or might as well be. seriously, I'm not sure why I even bother at times.


Going to try to sleep. maybe.

Well at least schools over.

So had to drive down another country road late at night for work. It was awful, to be honest. luckily the second night I had a coworker follow me so she could get home okay, that kept my mind occupied. I was also focusing on the one that shattered me, rather than the one that left me. It helped, but it isnt a good method to use. I've been splitting him white lately. And it's only hurting me for it. but he's gone now. he may write me with the rest of his friends, but I'm pretty sure if I get anything it's out of boredom. To be honest, it's depressing how I'm always there for him when he needs it, but I can never talk to him >.> It's ok though. That's why I have the wonderful man I really don't deserve.
We're moving. I'm excited. I hate this town. I have hardly any friends here, and it's lonely. plus, even if we aren't moving far, it feels like it will be good for us. We're looking at places soon. I'm so hungry, think I'll go get food soon. I feel so stressed out >.> but it's alright. Life will be better once we do this.
Also, my friend has been staying with us. it's annoying as shit at this point. I usually ask him to take out the dog when he's awake, and today I think he was irate about it. probably porning it up on his furry chat. ew. he says "whens the last time you took her out?" I could have said I do it all the time when he's asleep, which is true, but instead I said "when's the last time you cleaned something?"
Maybe it's just me, but if you have free room and board, you should be a little grateful and do some housework. Sure he babysits here and there, but he does it lazily. not to mention we were gone with the kiddo for TWO days, and he didn't do a damn thing. yeah, I'm sick of it. So he suggests if I clean the kitchen, he'll do the dishes. I think he should do all of it, just to be thankful for the free internet and use of a computer and cable and a bed in his own room etc.
When we move we won't have room for him though, so he'll hafta find someone else to leech off of. I'm kinda thrilled by that. ok, more than kinda. I can't wait. ♥

Thats all for now, I think.